Who does Rupert Murdoch think you are?

QUESTIONS were being raised last night over exactly what kind of person Rupert Murdoch thinks you are.

As it emerged that News of the World journalists placed hidden cameras inside British war widows, experts suggested the News Corp chairman believes you are somehow the same as him and his greasy, beige-toothed minions.

Psychologist Martin Bishop said: “Let’s be absolutely clear about this – Mr Murdoch’s journalists were violating war widows to find out if they were either cheating on their husband before he died, or desecrating his memory by moving on with their lives with someone new before the allotted, arbitrary amount of time had passed.

“Either scenario gives the paper its longed-for double whammy of a jaunty, intercourse-based headline and a life tossed aside like an old sausage.

“But Mr Murdoch seems to think that somehow we don’t care what he does, we only care what he prints. That somehow we inhabit the same dank, piss-ridden moral dungeon as he does, where all that matters is the steady supply of masturbatory aids so that we have something to do instead of just rocking back and forth and staring at the mould on the wall.

“He thinks he is merely ‘feeding the beast’ and that somehow, if newspapers didn’t exist, we would all be paying criminals to bring us titbits of information about random strangers.

“He really is quite the fucker.”

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “Sienna Miller, John Prescott, Hugh fucking Grant –  I stopped calling him Hugh Grant after Notting Hill – and the rest of these no-talent chuff-monkeys can have a private life when they take a 97% pay cut. I’d rather you didn’t hack their phones, but overall my sympathy could fit in a Japanese thimble.

“However, the rest of this shit is fucked up and at no point did anyone give even the merest hint that they would be okay with it.”

Mr Murdoch, who has never been on holiday, said: “I am particularly appalled by the 814th set of allegations. The only reason I got into the newspaper business in the first place was to help the armed forces and their brave, blonde wives and sad, photogenic children.

“Ask anyone who knows me and they will all tell you the same thing – Rupert loves dead soldiers.”

News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks stressed that the war widows would have been invaded when she was either asleep or in the lavatory.

A friend said: “Since the scandal broke Rebekah has not been to the toilet. I reckon we’ve got 36 hours before she bursts like a big, ginger balloon full of cranberry juice.”

Meanwhile, Britain was today pulling a blanket up towards its chin and admitting it is now terrified of what fresh torment tomorrow may bring.


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My boyfriend of 3 weeks has just asked me to marry him. Even though I still don’t know his middle name, and I’ve only seen his pee-pee once, I am seriously considering the option, mostly because I suspect I’d look lovely in a veil, plus I could do with some new crockery. Am I being too hasty?

Dear Melissa,
It all depends: did he dare you to marry him or just ask you straight? If the former then unless you’re willing to go for the double dare, you pretty much have to go ahead with the wedding. Even if you do double dare him, there’s always the chance that he’ll have the rare power of double double dare, just like my big sister, and you’ll end up having to marry him anyway. The only thing which trumps a double double dare is if you had your pinkies crossed at the time the original dare took place and are willing to swear on your granny’s false teeth whilst hopping on the spot. It’s better to avoid situations involving any type of playground lore in the first place if you can: I once got embroiled in a game of ‘Ip Dip Dog Shit’ with Cindy Spencer and, after losing miserably, was left with no choice but to write ‘Mr Beddows is a mouldy jobby’ on the blackboard as a forfeit. Needless to say, Mr Beddows caught me at it, I was sent to the naughty table, and that bitch Cindy made off with my favourite pink pencil sharpener while my back was turned.
Hope that helps!