Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time to have your bowels examined after you take a dump at a music festival and the Portaloo throws up.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
While the Peugeot 3008 has better adaptable seat options for a family
car, the Mondeo estate has much more boot space and drives like a dream.
But given you’re only going to nick the stereo for crack money, I
suppose it’s much of a muchness.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Rather than spending a fortune to see Insidious at the cinema, if you want a load of boring footage of somebody looking terrified shot on a wobbly camera there’s always your wedding video.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
With the hot summer evenings coming on, try to change your bedsheets more often than usual, which is about as often as third-world military dictatorships have elections.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Still no word from Channel 4 about your sitcom script entitled Three People Who Squabble Whilst Doing Their Job Badly. Hopefully it’ll do better than your last script A Series Of Sketches Filmed Surreally So It Looks Cutting Edge.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After consulting your friends, it turns out that taking your other half to Carlisle to look at a second-hand caravan you found in Auto Trader doesn’t really constitute a ‘city break’.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you invent a cocktail called a ‘B&Q Spritzer’ using paraffin oil and a Soda Stream.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Women claim to love spontaneity, sensitivity and a sense of humour, so why did your ex dump you after you flicked a bogey into her wine glass when she was in the toilet, then burst into tears when she complained about it? Truly, they a mystery.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
What the world needs now is love, sweet love. But is it okay if I go first? My balls are like Dizzie Gillespie’s cheeks.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Breast milk does contain a lot more healthy nutrients than cow’s milk but if it’s all the same I’ll take my coffee black, thanks.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Your life has been going rapidly downhill recently but, if you’re prepared to follow some advice from somebody that’s never met you before, then it’s that kind of poor decision-making that’s probably not helping.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Dressed as a clown, the final words of Robert Duvall’s Apocalypse Now monologue dying on your lips and a semicircle of middle-aged housewives looking at you with a mixture of contempt and fear, it may be time to acknowledge that the ideas you come up with three days into an amphetamine binge aren’t always your top-drawer stuff.