Who will walk Meghan up the aisle?

WITH Meghan Markle’s father in Mexico, the actress has a tough choice to make about who will give her away. Here are the bookies’ favourites.

That twat from Suits, 8/1: Markle’s co-star from Suits, apparently called Patrick J Adams, has already married her on screen so has vital at-altar experience. Must not accidentally marry her again or face being beheaded by the Queen.

Elton John, 7/2: Flamboyant gay music legend John could bring a touch of real glamour to the proceedings, because let’s face it she’s only been in a TV show nobody watched.

Pippa Middleton, 13/1: Keen to continue her record of ruining every royal wedding of the 21st century, Pippa would walk up the aisle wearing head-to-toe black with a veil before throwing it off dramatically to reveal herself nude except for a few glue-on glitter jewels.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, 25/1: Strange pseudo-posho who believes himself to be indispensable to every aspect of British life, Rees-Mogg will explain to Meghan the need for an ultra-hard Brexit on this most magical of days.

The Chuckle Brothers, 6/1: Weirdly popular children’s TV stars Barry and Paul would undoubtedly calm Meghan’s nerves on her big day with their hilarious catchphrase, “To me, to you.”

Harry Potter, evens: Finally merging the two great fantastical traditions of our country: the royal family and the slightly less ridiculous world of Hogwarts. Has the added benefit of ending Daniel Radcliffe’s ridiculous pretence that he can ever escape the shadow of Harry Potter.

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The Guardian reader's guide to pretending you're not interested in the royal wedding

ARE you a Guardian reader who’s secretly captivated by Harry and Meghan’s wedding? Here’s how to enjoy every moment while pretending not to.

Say you prefer the Guardian’s famously minimal coverage of royal weddings, then sneakily read every word of the Daily Mail’s obsessive drivel, such as who the fuck Lady Extrusia Mitford-Gynt is.

If you’re dying to watch it on TV, claim you want to see “how these upper-class parasites are wasting taxpayers’ money”. Then get the kettle on and break out the Mr Kiplings.

Alternatively, say your kids should watch it because it’s a historical event. Once they’ve quickly lost interest in some toffs and a bunch of toy soldiers poncing around, ‘forget’ to turn the telly off for the rest of the day.

While watching the wedding it’s possible you’ll get so into the magnificent pageantry you’ll forget to criticise it. Set your mobile alarm to vibrate at 10-minute intervals to remind you to say things like, “Of course, 400 years ago their ancestors would have been oppressing our ancestors.”

If you get carried away and start waving a little Union Jack, make up a convoluted argument about left-wing patriotism, claiming you are celebrating “the land of Orwell, Aneurin Bevan and Rock Against Racism”.

Should anyone notice you gazing adoringly at hunky Harry or foxy Meghan, piously say, “I’m just so sad these young people have to spend their lives in the media goldfish bowl.”

If you get overwhelmed by the occasion and shed a tear, say you are weeping for the Kenyan victims of British imperialism.