Get shitfaced responsibly this weekend, says government

THE government has put out the confusing message that Britons should drink extremely heavily this weekend but in a sensible way.

With pub opening hours extended to celebrate the royal wedding and FA Cup final, Britons have effectively been told it is their national duty to get wankered.

A Home Office spokesman said: “For years government policy has been to make people feel like raging alcoholics if they need more than a small glass of wine to cope with the tedium of being alive.

“However, this weekend we are encouraging everyone to celebrate in the time-honoured tradition of the UK, which is to get so rat-arsed you mistake the fridge for the toilet and take a piss in it.

“Hopefully just a piss.

“Weddings and football matches are both excellent opportunities for alcohol abuse so we’re adding extra hours of pub time so you can have a fight or ill-advised shag in a chaotic drunken haze.

“But you have to do it in a ‘Drinkaware’ way, obviously.”