Why Britain must return completely to normal, by all the worst dickheads

CORONAVIRUS? What coronavirus? Here some of Britain’s leading business dickheads explain why it’s time to pretend everything’s okay.

Tim Martin, Wetherspoons

Fact: fewer than six normal people in Britain have even caught this so-called virus. Fact: the immune systems of daytime drinkers are so powerful they not only fight it off, but actually transmit their antibodies to others. Fact: COVID-19 will be a powerful boost for the UK, like Brexit. Case closed. Britain open. 

Michael O’Leary, Ryanair

Viruses can sense fear. They prey on it. Feel no fear and carry on as normal. Fly to Portugal, you’ll be fine, and if the virus wants to complain there’s no complaints department because I fired them, because who needs f**king complaints? Looks like you’ve lost, coronavirus. 

Richard Branson, Virgin

I’m this country’s King Midas. Everything I touch – trains, broadband, Mike Oldfield’s ‘Tubular Bells’ – turns to gold. So if the government will just grant me exclusive UK rights to this virus, I’ll repackage it, launch a marketing blitz, and sell it overseas for millions. And if they don’t, I’ll sue them. 

Nic Budden, Foxtons

Look at the stats. The figures show that people living in shitholes, or starter properties, are succumbing to coronavirus at a much higher rate. So we need to get everyone mortgaging themselves to the hilt to buy ridiculously expensive houses. If you’re in property, it’s obvious. 

Alan Sugar, The Apprentice

I know something about terrible blights ravaging the country leaving households in mourning. I released the Amstrad email phone. And you don’t get rid of bad shit like that by locking it away in a warehouse. You have to keep punting it, and in the same way we need to get out there until everyone’s had the virus and we’re done. 

Sir Philip Green, Topshop

You know how you beat things? Ignore them. Calls for me to lose my knighthood? Ignored ‘em. Criticism for massive tax avoidance? Ignored it. Sexual harassment allegations? Paid ‘em no f**king mind. Ignore this pandemic and it’ll soon piss off. Always works for me. 

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'You haven't got that fat, actually' and other post-lockdown greetings

AFTER months of lockdown you’re probably a bit rusty at the old small talk. Here are some conversational icebreakers for this brave new COVID-19 world.

‘Your hair looks shit’

Most people you bump into are going to have shit hair, be it a ropey dye job, a deeply amateur buzz cut or a fringe that looks like it’s been cut with a knife and fork. Yours of course looks fine – you definitely haven’t got a Bono-in-the-80s regrettable mullet.

‘You haven’t got that fat, actually’

Blurt this out if you’re really insensitive, or use it deliberately if you’re a bastard. Best delivered immediately to catch the victim off guard. Also focusing on others’ weight gain is a great way of denying to yourself that you’re carrying some lockdown blubber, if you’re weird.

‘Been staying alert?’

The perfect kind of inane guff to spout at someone you barely know or like. Bumped into a kid from school you weren’t really friends with? The ex who dumped you by text? Have an effort-free conversation with this phrase – it’s the new “Funny weather we’ve been having”.

‘Cancelled any nice holidays this year?’

As in: ‘I have’. If people thought a bit of deadly global pandemic would stop you bragging about your family ski trip in the Swiss Alps or your wellness retreat in Cambodia, they were wrong. What’s more you’ve saved a thousand quid or more, so it’s win-win.

‘Do you want these two kids?’

This humorous comment will strike a chord with any friend who’s been juggling looking after children with working from home. What they don’t realise is that you are deadly serious and will happily give them your kids right there and then so you can drink stubby lagers and finally get a go on the Playstation.