Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Why Britain must return completely to normal, by all the worst dickheads

CORONAVIRUS? What coronavirus? Here some of Britain’s leading business dickheads explain why it’s time to pretend everything’s okay.

Tim Martin, Wetherspoons

Fact: fewer than six normal people in Britain have even caught this so-called virus. Fact: the immune systems of daytime drinkers are so powerful they not only fight it off, but actually transmit their antibodies to others. Fact: COVID-19 will be a powerful boost for the UK, like Brexit. Case closed. Britain open. 

Michael O’Leary, Ryanair

Viruses can sense fear. They prey on it. Feel no fear and carry on as normal. Fly to Portugal, you’ll be fine, and if the virus wants to complain there’s no complaints department because I fired them, because who needs f**king complaints? Looks like you’ve lost, coronavirus. 

Richard Branson, Virgin

I’m this country’s King Midas. Everything I touch – trains, broadband, Mike Oldfield’s ‘Tubular Bells’ – turns to gold. So if the government will just grant me exclusive UK rights to this virus, I’ll repackage it, launch a marketing blitz, and sell it overseas for millions. And if they don’t, I’ll sue them. 

Nic Budden, Foxtons

Look at the stats. The figures show that people living in shitholes, or starter properties, are succumbing to coronavirus at a much higher rate. So we need to get everyone mortgaging themselves to the hilt to buy ridiculously expensive houses. If you’re in property, it’s obvious. 

Alan Sugar, The Apprentice

I know something about terrible blights ravaging the country leaving households in mourning. I released the Amstrad email phone. And you don’t get rid of bad shit like that by locking it away in a warehouse. You have to keep punting it, and in the same way we need to get out there until everyone’s had the virus and we’re done. 

Sir Philip Green, Topshop

You know how you beat things? Ignore them. Calls for me to lose my knighthood? Ignored ‘em. Criticism for massive tax avoidance? Ignored it. Sexual harassment allegations? Paid ‘em no f**king mind. Ignore this pandemic and it’ll soon piss off. Always works for me.