Why didn't you pretend they were protesting women, Braverman asks police

SUELLA Braverman has quizzed the Met as to why they did not treat pro-Palestinian protesters like women, it has emerged.

After failing to pin a protester who chanted ‘jihad’ to the ground, the furious Home Secretary has asked police why they did not act like they were dealing with a peaceful, candlelit vigil.

Braverman said: “You know what to do if you’re ever in doubt about using force. This is basic shit.

“Instead of standing around and wringing your hands, you mentally picture a woman in her early twenties holding a placard and press a boot to her face. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.

“You seemed to have this technique down pat when you were crushing student protests a couple of years ago, so what gives? There’s a place for hatred and violence on Britain’s streets, and you guys are it.

“I dread to ask, but did you at least all share bigoted comments and disgusting jokes in a WhatsApp group? Don’t tell me your standards have slipped so far as to neglect that.”

Met chief Sir Mark Rowley said: “The government’s done everything to make protests illegal and as easy to forcibly terminate as possible so this really is our bad. Sorry everyone, we promise to do better next time.”

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Coffeeshop to cut the bullshit and sell speed cut with laxatives

A CAFÉ is to stop faffing around with coffee and instead offer everyone a bump of speed cut with a powerful laxative.

Jack Browne, who runs the artisanal espresso bar in Brighton, has decided to give up messing about with single-origin beans and small batch roasters and just provide his customers with what they actually want.

Browne said: “I’m sick of pretending. What’s the point going on latte art training courses when all people are looking for is something that will get them through a hungover day at work and clear out the bad kebab from last night by 9.30am?

“From now on I’ll be racking up lines of methamphetamine cut with bisacodyl on the counter, and charge £4 a pop. It will have exactly the same effect and be cheaper than a skinny soy milk mocha, or whatever nonsense I’m usually making. Much less washing up too.”

Customer Lucy Parry said: “I was dubious at first, but it turns out that all coffee did for me was wake me up and expedite my morning shit. I didn’t even really like the taste.

“I know I’m just swapping one addiction for another, but at least speed is less wanky than coarse ground cold brew coffee.”