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Why your house is probably worth £2m but you haven't realised it

LABOUR have imposed a mansion tax on houses worth more than £2 million. Not bothered? That’s because you probably don’t realise your house is worth that much. 

What area do you live in? Swindon. Very desirable. Direct rail links to London, handy for your second home in the Cotswolds, weekends in Cornwall a possibility. Whatever you thought your house was worth, double it.

How many bedrooms? Three? Well, that’s one more than any two-child family where the children happily bunk in together needs. You know what kind of house has additional rooms used for entertaining or hobbies? A mansion.

And it’s got a garden? Which, as it’s semi-detached, means it’s on three sides? That means your house is situated within its own extensive grounds. Grounds which could be used for grouse shooting if the urge arose.

You see? We’re already up to a million, most likely, and we haven’t even priced in the fixtures and fittings yet. That wallpaper is exquisite. That’s going to add at least a hundred grand to the right buyer. Homebase is a very exclusive brand.

Sorry, did I hear you correctly? You have two bathrooms? My God. Even the Royals themselves don’t live in such luxury, well Fergie doesn’t. And is that a gatehouse lodge I espy in the rear? Call it a shed if you must. Your humility befits you.

Yes, this house, constructed in the venerable 1990s, easily qualifies as a mansion and is, like so many houses in marginal constituencies, worth more than £2 million. Don’t check that with a bank. They lie, like Rachel Reeves.

So Labour has hit you directly with a mansion tax. The bastards. You know what you should do? Vote Tory or even better Reform from now on. It is your duty as a member of the ruling class.

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Stereophonics, and other bands who hit the glass ceiling of being Welsh

THE tragedy of Welsh origins limits any possible success in music much as it does in any other field. These bands came from the wrong side of Offa’s Dyke: 

Stereophonics

Songs about the delightful idiosyncrasies of their local community provided novelty: yes, old ladies do make a fuss when buying fruit and vegetables! Sadly, the trio soon bumped up against the barriers of their insular worldview and by their third album were singing about caravan holidays. The public wisely moved on.

Catatonia

References to the zeitgeist – Mulder, Scully and road rage were all equally massive in 1998 – got them into the upper reaches of the charts. Unfortunately, their contact with the outside world saw them recoil in horror, penning tracks about how much they hated London and how fantastic it was to be Welsh. This proved not to be a palatable message.

Feeder

One very popular album catapulted them into the mainstream before their Celtic origins caught up with them. Excitement about a car with a CD player, an innovation yet to reach the deepest Valleys even now, powered their big hit but a follow-up thrilled about Windows 95 and Global Hypercolour T-shirts failed to chart.

Super Furry Animals

Having achieved significant popularity, SFA made the fatal error of releasing an album entirely in the Welsh language. No matter what they did after that nobody could forget what they’d done, much less forgive. Being a fan was like trying to make a relationship work after your partner got blind drunk and gave a stranger a handjob.

Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci

Using Welsh spelling for their name only reinforced stereotypes that the Welsh are just doing it to be perverse. Almost scraped into the charts when they dabbled with English lyrics, but the damage had been done. They soon learned that an association with the Cool Cymru movement had zero cultural cachet ten miles outside Carmarthen.

Badfinger

Not even the support of the Beatles and a deal with Apple records could help this lot overcome the fact they were from Swansea. Harry Nilsson’s and Mariah Carey’s covers of Without You proved that you can make a song one of the most famous ever recorded simply by taking the tinge of Welshness out of the equation.

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