PUTTING up a bit of tinsel to bring festive cheer to your corporate gulag? Best consider these issues first lest you fall foul of overzealous human resources:
No twinkly lights
Even though fairy light bulbs fade faster than your motivation on a Monday, you must avoid these in case you trigger epileptic fits, like the strip lighting that’s been flickering since June doesn’t. More likely they feel the twinkling light will remind workers of the stars in the night sky when they should be completing spreadsheets.
Use only flimsy paper decorations
How did you fail to anticipate that the glitter in one sparkly bauble presents a real problem for the company’s environmental pledges? Yes, they did just invest in a bespoke ChatGPT platform that sucks up a river every time it drafts an email about the company’s ecological commitments, but that’s very different.
Make sure messages aren’t overly optimistic
Where’s the harm in displaying friendly festive greetings, you ask? Sure, everyone loves a snow scene, but ‘peace’, ‘joy to the world’ and ‘goodwill to all men’ are not your employer’s official core values. A picture of a robin wearing a lanyard saying ‘customer satisfaction’ is much more on brand.
Recognise the real stars
Stars are not just a tree decoration. It’s actually offensive to revere random objects when the true stars of the season are the executive board who implemented key findings. For a handy festive tree topper why not try your CEO’s grinning face? He’s actually an angel and his end-of-year bonus recognises that.
Say ‘holidays’ instead of Christmas
To avoid offending the sensibilities of no-one, HR have ruled that Christmas cannot be mentioned when doing Christmas stuff. Instead you have a miniature holiday tree on your desk, holiday cards, and a Muslim colleague next to you saying ‘Don’t look at me, man, I love Christmas. Want another mince pie?’
Take them down every evening
Hot desking is important to your employer, so please remove that single paper streamer at close of play in case the you who booked that same desk tomorrow has a new personality. Plus, if such bright items of merriment are left up, the cleaners might witness a fragment of collective joy, and they’re agency staff. Participation in company emotions is not in the budget.
