Wife-stealers hail Grand Theft Auto V

BRITAIN’S womanisers have begun targeting Grand Theft Auto V widows.

The Casanova community had been awaiting the game’s release for months while rehearsing their ‘caring and attentive male’ routines.

Neighbourhood Romeo Tom Booker said: “I call it Girlfriend Theft Auto.

“While the husband’s upstair pretending to be a gun-toting American I’m visiting his wife under the flimsy pretence of doing a survey about women’s emotional needs.”

He added: “A lot of the old husband distractions didn’t work anymore.

“England games are so awful that men welcome the diversion of the wife talking about some baby she’s seen on Facebook.

“DIY lost its charm when blokes realised they could pay someone else to do it properly, and pornography can be viewed in convenient ten-minute chunks on the smart phone rather than in a four-hour session down the shed.”

Keen gamer Stephen Malley said: “I’ve told my girlfriend not to bother me for the next few days and she’s going out for a night with her mate, the attractive bisexual one who’s always coming on to her.

“I think she said she might stay the weekend, which means more late-night GTA action for me.”

Malley’s girlfriend Mary Fisher said: “This morning the milkman was wearing loads of Blue Stratos and read me a poem about a rose.

“Meanwhile my boyfriend is upstairs yelling ‘In this one you can fly a helicopter through a building!’

“I have decided to become a lesbian.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Jamie Carragher 'prefers The Godfather Part III'

FOOTBALL pundit Jamie Carragher has insisted The Godfather Part III is the best film in the epic ‘trilogy’.

Carragher claimed he had watched ‘all three films’ many times and ‘could not see what was so special’ about parts one and two.

Moments later his Sky Sports colleague Gary Neville lunged at him with a screwdriver.

Returning to his chair after security guards pinned Neville to the floor, Carragher added: “Unlike the first two, part three has none of the horribly distracting atmosphere that almost jumps out of the screen at you.

“It’s just lots of hastily  written dialogue – which is always the best kind – interspersed with some shoot outs. That’s what you’re looking for in an epic saga of family, power and corruption.”

It is claimed that the ‘third part’ of the ‘trilogy’ was made in 1990 by some people who had completely forgotten everything about the central character, Michael Corleone.

Tom Logan, author of An Offer You Can’t Refuse: Making the Godfather Movies said: “There is no part three. Francis Ford Coppola talked about making it but then he changed his mind.

“So we can all agree that there are just the two perfect films which were never debased in any way by an appalling piece of shit.”

He added: “I’ve never heard of Jamie Carragher but he obviously inhabits a hellish fantasy world. Perhaps he should be sectioned.”

Carragher also believes that Val Kilmer was the best Batman and that some things tastes better than crisps.