Will you be celebrating St George's Day enough or are you a filthy traitor?

ST George’s Day – it’s the most important day of the year for every Englishman and woman. But are your plans extravagant enough? Read our checklist and avoid being a traitor to your nation.

Have you got shitloads of flags?

Your modest home should be ridiculously plastered in them. The overall effect should be slightly intimidating – keep passers-by guessing whether you just like a jolly national celebration or are a hardcore BNP fascist. It’s a shame there isn’t a hotline to report people who haven’t got a flag. Maybe email Priti Patel? It’s the sort of bollocks she’d be up for.

Is your historical knowledge sufficiently wrong?

Ignore irksome facts about the actual St George story (he was probably a high-ranking Roman soldier, countries like Bulgaria celebrate him too, etc.). Your truth is that George was a proper English knight like Sir Lancelot, and probably a decent bloke who liked a pint and watching the footie. This isn’t ignorance, it’s how we Brits do history. After all, the British Empire was an entirely benign undertaking that just did stuff like gifting backward Indian peasants with trains, right?

Will your celebrations piss off your neighbours until 3am?

Nothing says ‘St George’ like a garden party still pumping out Whitney Houston in the small hours as your neighbours toss and turn in bed praying for it to end. If you really want to be patriotic, mix your pop choices with war film themes like The Dam Busters and Where Eagles Dare. You can usually pick up compilations for 50p at a charity shop, so your undying love of your country needn’t hurt your pocket. 

Is your celebration mostly based around getting pissed?

It’s the English way to make any celebration primarily about all-day alcohol consumption. If you haven’t already got a bathtub full of cold cans of Stella and lambrini you’re a traitor as bad as Philby, Burgess and Maclean and deserve to be hung, drawn and quartered outside the local civic centre with everyone filming it on their phones.

Have you built a monstrosity in your garden?

It’s increasingly normal to observe Remembrance Sunday by building a f**king lifesize Sherman tank out of cardboard in your front garden. On St George’s Day get a mannequin dressed as a knight and construct a large dragon that breathes real fire thanks to a garden sprinkler connected to a can of petrol. Yes, A&E departments will be full of people who had the same idea, but you’re not going to notice a few burns when you’re full of patriotism. And lager.

Are you planning to ‘patriot shame’ people you know?

You may be making the effort to get pissed and have a traditional St George’s barbecue, but some people don’t celebrate at all! If you see any of these Quislings a few words are in order, eg. ‘Didn’t see you celebrating yesterday, Gemma. D’you hate your country or something?’ For extra effect write things down in a little black notebook. Sadly there isn’t a ‘St George Gestapo’ you can grass them up to, but we can dream.

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Nobody has known who's number one in the charts for two decades

NOT a single member of the public has known who is number one in the charts for two decades, it has emerged.

Thanks to streaming services and YouTube, nobody can remember the most popular single of the week if it was released any time in the last 20 years.

Music listener Nikki Hollis said: “Back in the day I used to be glued to the radio in anticipation as they counted down the top ten. Now I’m not even sure if the charts are still a thing or if they died out like Woolworths.

“The last number one I remember is Crazy Frog, and that’s only because it beat Coldplay to the top spot. It was hilarious because Chris Martin tried really hard to make a good song but still couldn’t manage it.”

Audiophile Joshua Gardner said: “Taylor Swift must have had a number one, but I’m f**ked if I know what it’s called or what it sounds like. By the time she came along it had ceased to be relevant.

“The days of wondering if Frankie Goes to Hollywood were still at number one seem really ancient now, like going to the shops on a horse or not having the internet.

“Still, society has evolved past radio stations telling us what to listen to based on what’s popular. Now we have algorithms which exploit everything they know about us to make money. It’s much better.”