PEOPLE dabbling in the occult need to show more dedication if they are to succeed at ‘the craft’, according to top coven leaders.
Professional witchcraft groups say high profile ‘dabblers’ like Tea Pot out-patient Christine O’Donnell and various rock band twats are sending the wrong message to young, would-be sorcerers.
Coven head Emma Bradford, also known as ‘Auld Meggy Brockles’, said: “A bit of casual ouija and the Hamish Hamlin Big Book of Spells isn’t going to get you far in this game.
“You’re not a proper witch until you have warts on the back of your knees and can kill a heifer just by breathing at it.”
She added: “Witches were once revered and persecuted for their diabolical powers. Villagers lived in fear of the local ‘cunning woman’, knowing that if they crossed her their next child would be born an eight-legged mouse, despite the fact that none of her other curses had ever worked on anyone.
“But nowadays ‘witch’ is shorthand for ‘menopausal woman with underarm hair, unflattering purple attire and a dreamcatcher suspended outside her rather cluttered kitchen window.
“Oh, and echinacea. They always have echinacea.”
Martin Bishop, professor of bewitchliment at Reading University, said: “If Christine O’Donnell is serious about becoming a witch then she is going to have to base her beliefs and actions on a lot of made-up nonsense while instilling irrational fear and claiming she can cure homosexuality with a poultice.”
He added: “Oh, I see. Well in that case all she has to do now is have sex with a goat.”