Witches Voice Frustration At 'Dabblers'

PEOPLE dabbling in the occult need to show more dedication if they are to succeed at ‘the craft’, according to top coven leaders.

Professional witchcraft groups say high profile ‘dabblers’ like Tea Pot out-patient Christine O’Donnell and various rock band twats are sending the wrong message to young, would-be sorcerers.

Coven head Emma Bradford, also known as ‘Auld Meggy Brockles’, said: “A bit of casual ouija and the Hamish Hamlin Big Book of Spells isn’t going to get you far in this game.

“You’re not a proper witch until you have warts on the back of your knees and can kill a heifer just by breathing at it.”

She added: “Witches were once revered and persecuted for their diabolical powers. Villagers lived in fear of the local ‘cunning woman’, knowing that if they crossed her their next child would be born an eight-legged mouse, despite the fact that none of her other curses had ever worked on anyone.

“But nowadays ‘witch’ is shorthand for ‘menopausal woman with underarm hair, unflattering purple attire and a dreamcatcher suspended outside her rather cluttered kitchen window.

“Oh, and echinacea. They always have echinacea.”

Martin Bishop, professor of bewitchliment at Reading University, said: “If Christine O’Donnell is serious about becoming a witch then she is going to have to base her beliefs and actions on a lot of made-up nonsense while instilling irrational fear and claiming she can cure homosexuality with a poultice.”

He added: “Oh, I see. Well in that case all she has to do now is have sex with a goat.”


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Vince Cable Is Just So Cute, Say Bankers

WHEN Vince Cable bangs his little fists and stamps his little feet he is just the cutest thing in the world, bankers said last night.

As the business secretary unveiled his adorable plan to do something about capitalism, Britain’s corporate executives said they could just eat him up.

Tom Logan, a senior director at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “I love his shiny little head and the way he perches his glasses on the end of his nose and pretends to be Professor Yaffle from Bagpuss.

“Does little Vinnie like Bagpuss? Is that your favey-wavey telly show? Shall we get Vinnie his own Bagpuss for him to cuddle at sleepy time? Oooooh, yes please Mr Banky Man.”

Sir Roy Hobbs, chairman of Madeley-Finnegan, said he would love to bring Mr Cable with him to the office one day so all the secretaries could tickle him under the chin.

“He reminds me of my own children with his twinkly eyes and his sweet little questions about why all the bad things happen and why can’t everyone be nice to each other all the time.

“You can try explaining to him that free markets are a force of nature and that no matter what he does it will ultimately have about as much impact as an amoeba kicking a whale in the nuts and he’ll just look at up at you with those big, bright eyes full of innocence and say ‘why?’.

“He’s just the most scrumptious little bundle of loveliness.”

Julian Cook, chief economist at  Donnelly-McPartlin, added: “For me it’s the way he puts on a pair of grown-up shoes and a proper tie and marches around the office like a big boy.

“And then he types out his little speech using one finger and gets on the big choo-choo train up to Liverpool where he tells all his little chums that he’s going to jolly well do something about all the bad banky men so that they will feel slightly less guilty about bending over and taking right it up the dirtbox from all those Tory politicians we bought up years ago.

“Fuckin’ prick.”