GLOBAL society is to be re-organised on the assumption that everyone has dementia.
With new estimates suggesting the brain disease will cost the world Â£400 billion a year, experts say it would be cheaper if we all just treated it as completely normal and went about our day.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We spend billions of pounds because some people can’t remember their names or where they live or they develop a habit of saying some really weird things.
“Instead of getting all worked up about it let’s just treat as perfectly normal. If someone can’t remember their name, what’s it got to do with you? If they keep forgetting who they’re married to, then good for them. Lucky shits.
“And if you are about to cross the road and a happy old man tells you there’s a ‘Swedish banana cheese monster coming out of your left arse’ how can that possibly matter?
“It only matters because we allow ourselves to think it does.”
He added: “Meanwhile you should feel free to forget your name whenever you want. Or just make up a new name everyday. From now on, every Sunday I shall be called Bing Frisby and I shall live in Caernarfon Castle. I invite you to join me.
“And as for the incontinence, what gives you the right to tell another human being that they can’t go to the toilet in their own trousers? Mind your own business, poo Nazi.”
Under Professor Brubaker’s plan, if someone wanders into your house thinking it is their own then you would be legally obliged to make them feel at home. Likewise you would be free to enter any house that takes your fancy.
He added: “Essentially it would mean that all property would be commonly owned. Which I guess means the world will only embrace true socialism when everyone is completely out of their minds and Billy Bragg will therefore owe me fifty quid.”