EXPERTS agree that your use of language says a great deal about whether you are a twat or not. Rate your vocabulary on our entirely scientific ‘twatometer’.
An even more tiresome way of saying ‘woke’, which is a fairly tedious subject by now anyway. Apart from sounding silly, it also marks you out as a regular reader of the Daily Telegraph.
Twatometer rating: 8
Why say this instead of ‘relatives’? It’s just an extra syllable. The amount of time you’re saving is negligible, and you’ll sound as if you’re speaking inauthentic dialogue from a bad play about loveable working class Liverpudlians.
Twatometer rating: 6
Like ‘bonking’, a term that has suffered a welcome decline in popularity. If you do use this term instead of the perfectly acceptable ‘money’ you are probably some knob who loves talking endlessly about your buy-to-let activities.
Twatometer rating: 9
You are not three. You are talking to adults. Spare us your teeth-grating whimsy. The word is ‘piss’, a fine Anglo-Saxon term which has served us well since the days of King Egbert.
Twatometer rating: 7
For the millionth time, he’s not ‘Boris’, he’s Boris Johnson, or, more correctly, Alexander Johnson. He is not a big cuddly teddy bear, he is a ruthlessly ambitious human with some odd ideas about what constitutes ethical behaviour.
Twatometer rating: 10