'Wokery' and other terms: Where is your vocabulary on the twatometer?

EXPERTS agree that your use of language says a great deal about whether you are a twat or not. Rate your vocabulary on our entirely scientific ‘twatometer’.


An even more tiresome way of saying ‘woke’, which is a fairly tedious subject by now anyway. Apart from sounding silly, it also marks you out as a regular reader of the Daily Telegraph.

Twatometer rating: 8


Why say this instead of ‘relatives’? It’s just an extra syllable. The amount of time you’re saving is negligible, and you’ll sound as if you’re speaking inauthentic dialogue from a bad play about loveable working class Liverpudlians.

Twatometer rating: 6


Like ‘bonking’, a term that has suffered a welcome decline in popularity. If you do use this term instead of the perfectly acceptable ‘money’ you are probably some knob who loves talking endlessly about your buy-to-let activities. 

Twatometer rating: 9


You are not three. You are talking to adults. Spare us your teeth-grating whimsy. The word is ‘piss’, a fine Anglo-Saxon term which has served us well since the days of King Egbert.

Twatometer rating: 7


For the millionth time, he’s not ‘Boris’, he’s Boris Johnson, or, more correctly, Alexander Johnson. He is not a big cuddly teddy bear, he is a ruthlessly ambitious human with some odd ideas about what constitutes ethical behaviour.

Twatometer rating: 10

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Five things you'll never admit your parents were right about

HAVE you started to see things from your parents’ point of view now that you’re getting older? Keep these realisations to yourself or they’ll never let you hear the end of it.

Everything’s too sexualised

Even though you grew up in an age of lads’ mags and softcore porn on Channel 5, you can’t help but feel that these days society has taken sexual explicitness a bit too far. If your parents could see half the filth you’ve deliberately searched for online they’d either clutch their pearls or get turned on for the first time since you were born.

Studying the arts was a risky move

As a teenager you believed your 2:2 in art history would take you places – it’s a degree after all. However your parents’ anxious hand-wringing seems to have been bang on the money because you’re going to be totally unemployable in the culturally empty world we’re heading towards. Learn to code, fast.

Spending like a miser pays off

Now that you’re responsible for your own money, your parents’ baffling purchasing decisions make total sense. Whether it’s haggling a pathetic discount on slightly scuffed white goods, or parking way out of town to avoid buying a ticket, their penny-pinching ways are starting to come in handy. It’s a shame they won’t pass any of their savings on to you though.

Most World War 2 films contain trivial inaccuracies

Even though they were born well after WW2, your parents have a pedantic level of knowledge about the conflict which they use to criticise movies. The sad thing is they’re not wrong. Those aren’t real panzers, just some 1950s American tanks with crosses painted on.

You were never going to be rich/famous/successful

Hard to ignore this one because each passing day proves they were right about your innate averageness. At least they humoured your delusions of grandeur by sticking your art to the fridge and driving you to ballet lessons, which even at the time they knew would be a waste of money. That’s what good parenting looks like.