Woman disturbed by warm feelings for George Osborne

A WOMAN who found herself experiencing empathy for George Osborne is questioning her sanity, it has been confirmed.

Nikki Hollis was left stunned by the realisation that the vampiric features of the chancellor evoked feelings of pity.

Hollis said: “I was flicking desperately through channels, trying to find something that would offer a glimmer of hope and paused when George Osborne’s usually terrifying face filled the screen.

“I knew he was saying that the economy was essentially fucked and we’d all end up living in potholes and eating woodlice and twigs like they did in the Dark Ages, but I couldn’t help wanting to wipe the sweat from his pallid brow and tell him it’s alright. I even thought about making him a sandwich with some cheese and lettuce in it.

“Perhaps it’s because he’s a relic of a more stable world, but if he keels over during his next public announcement I may even shed a tear.

“This, on top of the moment my heart actually sank when David Cameron resigned, has led me to worry that I have gone completely fucking mental.”

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King Arthur returns with impractical sword-based plan

KING Arthur has returned in Britain’s hour of need with a plan mainly involving swords, he has announced.

The legendary king intends to save his people from disaster, although it is unclear how running around with a weapon and armour will prevent the economy going into recession.

Arthur said: “I have retrieved mighty Excalibur, proving I am the one true king of England and giving me the ability to stab, slash and chop things.

“I’ve summoned the 12 Knights of the Round Table, who also have swords, and Merlin the wizard, who can turn into a stag. As you can see, the plan is really shaping up.

“We’ve come to Downing Street, but I’m not entirely sure how to do battle with leaving an economic trading bloc. Also Lancelot has been tasered for waving his sword around.

“Sir Gawain has offered to challenge David Cameron to one-to-one combat and Merlin is reading up on referendum law, although he’s finding non-Middle English really heavy going.

“I will definitely rescue my countrymen from peril once I work out what to do, but if they weren’t such idiots this would never have happened.”

Yesterday the knights attempted to storm the European Parliament, resulting in four arrests and a Belgian policeman being turned into a squirrel.