Woman doesn't need to be drunk to send text messages she regrets

A WOMAN who is always impulsively sending embarrassing text messages lacks the excuse of being pissed, it has emerged.

Donna Sheridan, 31, has sent nude pictures to her mum, paranoid accusations to her boss and needy outpourings of love to her ex-boyfriend, all without drinking anything stronger than a cup of tea.

Sheridan said: “Most people do this sort of thing when they’ve drunk three bottles of cheap white wine and vomited their critical faculties into their handbag.

“But I do it on an almost daily basis, usually as a result of being so lazy that I can’t be bothered to focus properly on the screen and see who I’m sending it to. I feel hideously embarrassed afterwards, but I don’t know how to stop myself.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Life was much better in the olden days when the amount of people able to talk bollocks to you was limited to those within walking distance of your house.” 

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Heatwave advice for people who lack even the most basic common sense

HOT weather can be dangerous if you do not understand anything.

Britain is basking in the glorious sunshine of a long heatwave – but it can be hard to enjoy the sun safely if you are shit thick. Here is some advice for you:

If you stand naked in direct sunlight for a long time, you may start to experience discomfort caused by your skin burning off. One clue to this is a smell like roasting pork coming from your flesh.

Avoid staring directly at the sun. This should be easy enough to do as there is no practical reason why you would ever need to stare at the sun.

That feeling of dryness in your body is called ‘thirst’. It means it is time to have a drink. Not beer though. Fight the urge to drink more beer.

Water is best ingested through your mouth. Do not try to pour it up your nose.

Remember, whatever the weather, to keep breathing in and out. Breathing is an important part of not dying.

Finally, always wear a hat. Like that funny one you got from the market with ‘Fart Machine’ written on it.