Woman eating whole box of Frosties thinking of buying a house

A WOMAN who just ate a whole box of children’s cereal is currently considering buying a house.

Emma Bradford, a 31 year-old freelancer who just finished binge-watching The Good Place instead of working, said: “I don’t know, I’m thinking of going to the bank next week and sign up for a 30 year commitment.

“At this stage I’m thinking maybe a three bedroom?

“All I have to do is commit to repay the bank every month with interest while hoping I’m never out of work.”

Bradford added: “Frosties aren’t quite as crunchy as they used to be.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

F*cking lunatic wants to stay out past midnight

A MAD man has confirmed he wants to stay out past midnight at some point this week.

Tom Logan, a complete and utter maniac, said: “Why not properly enjoy ourselves and spend 10 to 12 hours drinking if we can?”

Logan has recently googles topics such as ‘bars open late’, ‘clubs with no cover’ and ‘best 3am kebab’.

He insisted that post-midnight socialising is normal in many countries but has failed to convince his friends he is not insane.

Martin Bishop said: “We just don’t do this here, and he knows that. I’m genuinely worried that he’s gone right off his nut.”

Logan added: “I’m not saying we have to get crazy, I’m just suggesting we could somehow get shots until 3 or 4am and then try not to puke in an Uber Pool with strangers.”