Woman enters fourth day of circling Sainsbury's car park

A WOMAN has reached the limits of physical endurance after spending 96 hours trying to park at a supermarket.

Francesca Johnson, who had hoped to “get a few bits for Christmas” joined the queue to enter the Cirencester branch of Sainsbury’s on Saturday and has since been driving round and round the car park at two miles per hour, battling hunger and sleep deprivation.

Johnson said: “I had a brief moment of elation a couple of hours ago when I thought I’d spotted a space, but as I got closer I realised it was just some scumbag who’d hidden a Fiat Seicento behind a Land Rover.

“I found an old packet of Smints in the glove box, that’s the only nourishment I’ve had. When it rains I open the window and catch the droplets on my tongue.

“There is a sense of camaraderie that develops with all the other drivers doing the same thing, but I would rip their heads off with my bare hands if one of them nipped in a space that was clearly mine whilst I performed a three-point turn.

“If I have to drink my own urine later today, so be it. There’s three cars behind me so leaving is hardly an option.

“Soon there will be a space. Soon. Around the next corner. It’s always around the next corner.”

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Child told that Wetherspoon is Santa's magic grotto

A FATHER has convinced his young son that a Wetherspoon pub is the home of Santa and his elves.

A long queue for the grotto at a shopping centre prompted Tom Logan to take nine-year-old son David to the no-nonsense pub chain, with its bright lights, festive ambience and happy red faces.

Logan said: “I knew that Wetherspoons had some Christmas decorations and it’s full of people with Santa-like ruddy cheeks and big bellies.

“I told Oscar the customers in tracksuits were elves wearing sports clothes because they have to run fast when delivering all the presents.

“We soon found a bearded fat man sitting on a chair. I popped David on his knee, told him to say what he wanted for Christmas, and hey presto – instant Santa!

“The guy got a bit agitated and muttered something sweary about his ex-wife but I said it was Laplandish for ‘Keep tidying your room and I’ll bring you Star Wars Lego’.

“David even got a present to take home with him. It’s a beermat with some Brexit propaganda on it, or as I prefer to call it, a ‘magic frisbee’.”