Woman f**king furious to be given seat on bus

A WOMAN who was given a seat on a London bus is absolutely fuming at the judgmental bastard who did it. 

Emma Bradford is sitting on the 29 from Wood Green in silent rage at the young man who stood up to offer her a seat and the cowardly bastards who sat by and let it happen.

She said: “What the f**k? I’m only 46.

“Maybe it wasn’t that he thought I was old. Maybe he thinks I look so fat that I’m pregnant. Clearly he thinks there’s something wrong with me.

“I’m healthy. I do hot yoga. I can stand for 20 minutes without feeling even a twinge in my calves. But to f**king healthier-than-thou over there I’m a frail old woman deserving of his charity.

“I’ve shagged younger than you and they’ve loved it, you superior prick. I hope you break both legs.”

Tom Booker, who gave Bradford his seat, said: “Yeah that guy I was next to really stank of piss.”

Gay man on hen do would like to go home now

A GAY man attending a friend’s hen party has had more than enough of this now, it has been confirmed. 

Nathan Muir came along to Donna Sheridan’s hen do in Cardiff on the basis that it would be ‘a right laugh’ but has instead spent the entire evening horrified at what women do when alone.

He said: “Just because I like cock doesn’t mean I want to drink a mimosa through a miniature plastic one.

“I’m mates with her fiance Andy as well, but I thought this would be more fun than paintballing. Instead I’m painting a ceramic willy mug I made in a Pottery & Prosecco session.

“The head bridesmaid made me pay £15 for a personalised and frankly offensive ‘BUMBOY’ sash, and tonight everyone’s getting shellac nails. Which sound fairly permanent and I’m at Spurs on Thursday.

“There’s still a day-and-a-half left and there’s a penis life-drawing class, a penis ring-toss and a penis-themed baking competition still to go. And the strippers.

“I’m up to my eyeballs in penis. It’s like Berlin 2017 all over again.”