Woman getting tattoo confident she'll regret it her whole life

A WOMAN getting a tattoo is absolutely sure she will regard it with thinly-concealed regret until she is old and grey, she has confirmed. 

22-year-old Nikki Hollis decided to have ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ tattooed prominently on her abdomen after a full fifteen minutes flipping through a portfolio of generic designs.

She said: “Yep. This is the one. I already don’t like it a bit and he’s barely started.

“Although it might seem like a snap decision, given I’m only doing it because my mate Hayley’s having one too, I’m pretty sure I’ll still be grimly ashamed of it when I’m a middle-aged mother of three.

“What’s great about ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ is that it’s a meaningless platitude on so many levels. I really look forward to telling the care workers how much I hate it when I’m in a home.

“Ah well, they say you only regret the things you haven’t done. Actually that’s a really irritating, trite and obviously false sentiment. Maybe I’ll get it tattooed on the other side.”

Boyfriend Tom Logan said: “I would never have a tattoo I’d regret. I’m going to get a whole sleeve.”

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Man cooks meat at barbecue but does sod all else

A MAN is cooking at a barbecue to avoid doing anything other than stand near hot meat drinking beer.

Wayne Hayes is busy ‘barbecuing’ while doing absolutely nothing else, even though he is mostly just staring at kebabs.

His girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “He told me he’d do the barbecue so I could relax.

 I’ve been to the supermarket, defrosted meat, chopped salad, poured drinks, fetched him stuff from the kitchen, seen to the guests, set the table and washed up.

“And what’s he done? Stood around prodding sausages like he’s Jamie fucking Oliver.

“Now everyone is banging on about what a great barbecue it was and he’s acting like he deserves a medal for making a few burgers hot.”

Wayne said: “I am bloody knackered now.”