Woman in bestial shopping frenzy pauses briefly to enjoy moment

A BLACK Friday shopper has stopped hitting a pensioner in the face so she can just take in the atmosphere.

Still clutching her victim by the lapel, Jane Thompson paused and looked around with a sense of child-like wonder.

Thompson, 35 from Stevenage, said: “As Wordsworth wrote, ‘bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven’.”

As her elderly prey struggled desperately to break free, Thompson added: “Look at all this passion. All these faces, so full of life.

“All around us heroes are emerging, epic tales are being forged in the white heat of Debenhams.

“Anyway, it was nice talking to you, but I do need to get back to punching the fuck out of this old man.”


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Man still hoping he can turn life around before Christmas dinner

AN unemployed, single and homeless man is racing against time to sort his life out before seeing his relatives for Christmas.

“Maybe I say I’ve got an internet start-up?”

Tom Logan of Reading is struggling to find a positive spin on 11 months of decline for the annual meeting with his much more successful family.

He said: “I’ve got almost a month before I’m passing Uncle John the sprouts, so there’s still time to apply for a few college courses.

“Sleeping on a mate’s couch for the second year running is fine if you’re only doing it to save money to become a human rights lawyer.

“Or did I say that last year?”

At previous Christmases Logan has claimed to be doing a prestigious internship with a City firm and to be writing a novel, and successfully distracted attention from being dumped by his girlfriend with an anecdote about meeting Michael Caine.

He continued: “The chances of meeting, dating and bringing Emma Stone back for Christmas to sit between Auntie Gladys and Uncle Pete are looking more remote by the day.

“To be honest I’m sort of praying that someone else in the family has had a worse year, like maybe my brother’s business going under.

“That’d be a real Christmas miracle.”