Woman shunned by friends after asking for low-key hen do

A BRIDE-TO-BE who wanted a couple of drinks instead of a burlesque dance class, artisan gin tasting and weekend in Budapest has been branded selfish by her friends.

33-year-old Emma Bradshaw outraged her peers by requesting a hen party that was a simple night out without any flights, fancy dress, spa treatments or male strippers.

Joanna Kramer said: “I’ve known Emma for years, but this is really testing our friendship.

“The last time I was a bridesmaid I had to fly to Vegas, hire a convertible, and pay a deposit for a helicopter flight that everyone was too hungover to go on. Now that’s a hen do.

“A couple of drinks and a nightclub? Does she honestly think any of her friends will be happy with that? Where’s the commitment?

“I keep hoping she’ll say it’s just a joke, and of course we’re spending four days in Ibiza with a non-optional parasailing trip, but it seems she’s intent on making a mockery of a much-loved institution.”

Bradshaw said: “And also, would it be okay to have no penis-shaped balloons, straws, or deely-boppers? No? Too far? Too far.”

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UK could have driverless government by 2020, say experts

TECH experts have confirmed that the UK could have a driverless government as soon as 2020. 

Engineers working on the project claim a fully automated government would cut risks to the public by operating via logic-based algorithms, improving on the current system of vanity, short-termism and arrogance.

Professor Joseph Turner said: “In years to come, putting error-prone humans behind the wheel of a country will be recognised as a backwards practice.

“The vast majority of accidents caused while in power – endless elections, barefaced lies, Jeremy Hunt – are the result of the poor decision-making of the person in the driving seat.

“A driverless government will also be able to wirelessly communicate with other driverless governments around the world, slashing the risk of major collisions between them to close to zero.”

Pizza chef Wayne Hayes said: “I miss the old erratic lurching-violently-from-side-to-side days, when you never knew what the government would ram into next.

“Still I suppose it’s progress.”

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