Tom Hardy had no idea man was a thief

A MAN chased down and beaten by Tom Hardy luckily turned out to be some sort of thief, the actor has amazedly admitted. 

The Mad Max star was indulging in his hobby, popular with many celebrities, of randomly assaulting a member of the public when he discovered he had caught a moped thief red-handed.

He said: “Law of averages, I suppose. I mean I’m doing about five a day.

“I had an hour to kill before an audition to be a Marvel villain so I was getting myself into role by attacking pedestrians in London, which is a little quirk of mine.

“I was as surprised as anyone when everyone started clapping me, instead of rearing away in horror and muttering ‘of course the law can’t touch him, he’s famous’ as usual.”

Thief Martin Bishop said: “He was alright I suppose, but I would have preferred Tom Hiddleston. He has that cruel, aristocratic edge to his street violence.”

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UKIP members ‘must integrate with society’

UKIP supporters can only flourish in modern society by breaking out of their closed communities of aging bigots, experts believe.

Researchers have found that the ghettoised communities which UKIP voters live in directly lead to their deep-seated hatred of ordinary British life and extremist views about Gary Lineker being a traitor.

Dr Susan Traherne said: “By not integrating, Ukippers come to believe in worryingly irrational ideas like everyone in Turkey planning to live here and it being illegal to own a golliwog.

“It’s vital they are made to talk with normal people to show them it’s actually a bit mental to carry on like Enoch Powell because of the occasional Polski Sklep.

“But sadly they prefer to remain shut indoors, dangerously radicalising each other on Facebook, plotting the destruction of everyone under 40’s way of life.”

UKIP member Roy Hobbs said: “I’m not weird, I just don’t want to be ruled by Herr Merkel’s Brussels bumboys and think we should nuke Gibraltar to stop the dagoes getting it.

“Everyone thinks that. It’s normal.”