Woman without kids thinks she's tired

A WOMAN with no child-rearing responsibilities believes she is physically exhausted, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford, 32, gets an average of seven hours sleep every night, not a minute of which is interrupted by a bawling child, but still claims to be shattered in the morning.

Bradford said: “About a fortnight ago I only grabbed five hours of sleep after a big night out with the girls. I think I can safely say I know exactly how mums must feel.

“To be honest I think I’m still catching up on the sleep I lost. And now I come to think about it, I’m always tired.

“If I’ve had a busy day at work I might only feel up to a few drinks with friends that evening or a meal and a trip to the cinema. If only I could shake off this terrible exhaustion.”

Friend and mum-of-two Donna Sheridan said: “I’d like to get Emma to babysit my kids for a month then ask how she’s feeling, but she still tries to cook unopened tins of food in the microwave so they probably wouldn’t survive a week.

“Mind you, letting Emma starve them or blow them up would give me the chance to finally get some shuteye so it’s tempting.”

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Don't put this sh*t on us, warns electorate

THE electorate has warned Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn not to come to them with their problems and expect them to sort it all out. 

Britons have told the party leaders they get paid for doing this, they got themselves into this mess, and it is their responsibility to get themselves out of it. 

Sandwich shop owner Ellie Shaw said: “They don’t come to us every other year when it’s all going well. Oh no. You don’t hear a peep out of them then. 

“But as soon as they’re in the sh*t it’s ‘We need a general election! The public must decide!’. As if we’ve got a f*cking clue. 

“Do they think we’re going to hand Boris Johnson an emphatic win? That we’ll suddenly decide, all things being equal, that Corbyn deserves a go? Nah. We’ll fudge it just like we did last time. 

“Do you find me going to Sajid Javid when nobody’s buying the ham sandwiches? No. Because it’s my job, I step up and I sort things out for myself. They want to try it.” 

Prime minister Boris Johnson said: “But it’s hard. Nobody told me it would be hard.”