ARE you the sort of self-righteous idiot that likes to be offended on behalf of other people? Here’s how to do it properly.
‘Call people out’ for being racist
If you like the phrase ‘I’m calling you out’, you’re already in the spirit of being irritatingly offended on other people’s behalf. Don’t bother addressing real-life racism, just join in with the latest controversy on Twitter.
If you’re a man, accuse another man of being sexist before a woman does
Has another man made a sexist remark? Be sure to jump in and defend the woman before she gets the chance herself. Delicate little ladies love it when a big strong man with right-on views speaks on their behalf.
Don’t be afraid to speak for entire groups
Especially groups you aren’t part of. If you’re an atheist and your local church puts a nativity scene outside at Christmas, get cross and claim that other religious groups might be offended, even though they’re too busy with their own religious nonsense to care.
Act as if you personally know famous people and politicians
Getting upset because someone called Boris Johnson a ‘big fat porky bundle of thinning man-ham’ is a brilliant level of proxy offence. The extremely rich prime minister of the UK is bound to feel crushed by the comments of a random person on the internet.
Become a newspaper columnist
You may feel a twinge of guilt about not being genuinely offended and just jumping on the latest outrage bandwagon, but this will pass when you check your bank account and buy a new Aga.