Woman's day ruined after discovering old school friend is successful

A WOMAN has ruined her day by Googling an old school friend and discovering she has become a surgeon. 

Eleanor Shaw, 35, looked for old friend Donna Sheridan – who only stayed in the top set because Shaw let her copy – and discovered her on YouTube giving a lecture about the pancreas.

She said: “At first I was like ‘No, can’t be the same Donna,’ then I heard her voice.

“Still the same flat, thicko vowels except now she’s talking about some medical shit that she’s probably just making up anyway.

“I only Googled her because I thought she’d have married that dickhead Carl who ran a market stall. Also, I genuinely expected her to be fat. This isn’t right.

“I’m way brighter than her. All she ever did was study really hard for exams. Stupid, not fat, surgeon bitch.”

Dr Sheridan said: “Eleanor Shaw? Doesn’t ring a bell.”

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Britain giving an absolutely massive f**k about Pippa Middleton's wedding

EVERYONE has agreed that it is impossible not to be utterly obsessed by the wedding of Pippa Middleton, no matter how hard they try.

The nation has attempted to distract itself with politics, television and drug use but still finds itself gripped by every thrilling detail of the nuptials.

Bill McKay, from Stirling, said: “There’s no fighting it. I’m fascinated.

“I tried pretending to myself I wasn’t, that the marriage of a party planner and a hedge fund manager in Berkshire was of no relevance to my life. I tried.

“Then I distantly heard a news report about her two-outfits rule and streaked out of the bath to stand, dripping in suds, mouth agape in front of the telly, struggling to take in this latest twist.

“I’ve dropped the pretence. I go to sleep wrestling with her decision not to have Duchess of Cambridge as maid-of-honour, and wake up wondering if it was right to make an exception of the ‘no ring, no bring’ policy for Meghan Markle.”

“I barely remember who I am anymore. And I don’t want to.”