Assange to return favour by influencing Swedish election

JULIAN Assange has promised to thank Sweden for dropping charges against him by boosting far-right parties at their next election. 

The Wikileaks head has already tasked Russia to hack into liberal politicians’ emails, and says he will do everything in his power to get the country a fascist demagogue as a reward.

He added: “One good favour deserves another.

“Sweden’s done me a solid with this, and they’ll soon see the benefits of having Julian Assange on your side.

“What do the local Nazis call themselves up there?”

 

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Drinkers eagerly waiting for cocktail barman to f**k up

CUSTOMERS at a fancy cocktail bar are hoping against home that the smug ‘mixologist’ juggling bottles behind it breaks something soon. 

The slick-haired barman, who throws spinning bottles up behind his back then catches them even when just pouring a gin and tonic, is headed for a fall and absolutely nobody wants to miss it.

Carolyn Ryan said: “Oh, that moment. That moment when a bottle of Midori shatters on the floor, his toothy grin freezes, and he has to shuffle off and get a broom.

“I ordered a Long Island Ice Tea purely on the basis of how many spirits it contained, hoping against hope that I’d be the lucky girl that made it happen.

“Sadly I wasn’t but he’s getting overconfident and my mate’s flirting with him specifically to break his concentration, so it’s only a matter of time.”

Mixologist Olly said: “Wow, they’re six-deep at the bar just to watch me perform. Well, why not give them a real show–

“Whoops. Fuck. Why’s everyone smiling?”