Woman's massive poppy clearly meant for van

THE enormous poppy pinned to a woman’s lapel was obviously designed to go on a vehicle.

Helen Archer, a 54-year old dog breeder from Bathgate, has been wearing a poppy of patriotically vast proportions since mid-September.

She said: “I got this one free with a multipack of antifreeze, and instantly realised that wearing anything else would be an insult to the memory of our troops.

“It isn’t easy to attach, because my coat doesn’t have a radiator grill.

“But what would The Unknown Soldier, or Andy McNab, or James Blunt say if they turned up in Bathgate and all I had to show them was a poppy scarf, a poppy hat, a poppy handbag and a poppy umbrella?”

She added that her poppy would stay on until Comic Relief weekend, when she intends to put it in a drawer and start wearing a huge cable-tied red nose.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Entire Chelsea crowd was reading sporting autobiographies

SATURDAY’S Chelsea-QPR game was silent because fans were immersed in this year’s sporting memoirs, it has emerged.

‘This is the best ghost-written book ever’

Occasional bursts of applause or booing were caused by particularly thrilling passages in books by Roy Keane, Kevin Pietersen and Dennis Bergkamp.

Jose Mourinho said: “I looked at the crowd and saw a sea of serious, determined faces.

“Not their faces – the faces of Alex Ferguson and Luis Suarez on the covers of their mass-market hardbacks.

“No sound could be heard, even though their lips were all moving because they are not strong readers.

“It is no wonder that we conceded a goal because the team lost focus, and also because Thibaut Courtois was on chapter six of Andrea Pirlo’s I Think Therefore I Play.”

Visiting manager Harry Redknapp spent the entire time reading his own new book in the hope of picking up some management tips.

Fan Julian Cook said: “I can only allot so many hours per week to sport, so the game seemed an ideal opportunity to multi-task.

“Decent game, was it? I can’t wait to read all about it in Eden Hazard’s autobiography Caution! Hazard, out October 2015 from Hachette.”