Women allowed to objectify women

WOMEN are allowed to judge one another on the quality of their physical appearance without it being at all problematic, it has emerged.

Unlike men, who are discouraged from making any judgement of whether a woman is sexually attractive, women are totally free to make reductive comments about another woman’s body without fear of condemnation.

Woman Nikki Hollis said: “If the men in my life said my friend Kelly’s arse looked great, I’d claw their faces off. Whereas I’m expected to describe how incredible her peachy cheeks look at length. In fact it would be rude if I didn’t.

“The same goes for a woman’s tits, legs, face, hair, skin, feet and eyes. If a bloke singled any of these out for praise he’d be branded a chauvinistic pig and chased out of the community. But as for me? It’s all fair game and the topic of most of my conversations.

“It’s a pretty reasonable trade off, as far as double standards go. Men benefit from the gender wage gap, women get to fawn over each other’s attractive body parts. It all balances out.

“And hey, it’s not like guys can’t compliment the good looks of their fellow man. The only thing stopping them is their crippling insecurity and the fear that they might sound a bit gay.”

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'You think you're f**king hard, do you?' and five other things not to say to bouncers

BRITAIN’S door staff have heard every wisecrack slurred by pissed punters. These six comments will fail to persuade them to let you enter:

‘You think you’re f**king hard, do you?’

Being hard is part of a bouncer’s job description, along with being stoic and an ability to fold their arms, so yes, chances are they do think they’re hard. They know they’re not harder than professional wrestlers or the Royal Marines, but that doesn’t matter. They only need to be stronger than shitheels like yourself who they can easily take.

‘Are you a brain surgeon in the daytime?’

Suggesting a bouncer isn’t clever only highlights your own lack of intelligence. For all you know, the door staff may be medical students supplementing their income by studying the effects of Jägermeister and Stella on the behaviour of future patients. Questioning the cognitive ability of bouncers will only gain you entry to a police van, or if persistent, A&E.

‘Don’t you know who I am?’

No, of course the bouncer doesn’t know who you are. You’re a regional sales assistant, not Tom Cruise. Although if you say this comment he’ll make a mental note of you in the department of his brain labelled ‘gobshites’. When you try to get past him again in a couple of weeks, that’s when he’ll know who you are. And he’ll happily turn you away then, too.

‘I just need to tell somebody something’

Well done, you’ve just insulted the bouncer’s intelligence. Did you really think he was going to fall for that age-old line, especially when you could just send your friend who got in a text or WhatsApp message? That’s exactly what you’ll be doing in a couple of minutes, when you tell your mate you’ve been turned away and have gone home. With a nosebleed.

‘Do you want some gear?’

You do realise that bouncers forcibly remove people and beat the shit out of them if they’re found to be carrying illegal substances, don’t you? By offering a door man drugs you’re essentially bending over in front of him, lowering your trousers and asking him to kick you up the arse. Not least because the only gear you’re offering will give less of a buzz than Dioralyte cut with Sweet’N Low.

‘I’ll make it worth your while, big boy’

By the time you stagger to a club, you are not the seductress you think you are. Your false eyelashes have slipped off, you’re holding back eruptions of Tequila Rose vomit, and it’s all you can do to stand up. The only way you could make the bouncer’s night worth while is to go home, have a glass of water, and try to forget this embarrassing comment ever happened.