Most women going on Valentine’s dates for the food

WOMEN across Britain are to endure a Valentine’s date because it is in a restaurant.

The nation’s females have admitted that the one day of the year they tolerate more than an hour of male company is based purely on a desire to eat.

Jane Thomson, from Guildford, said: “I’m tired and pissed off and I just want to sink my teeth into a dirty big steak.

“A nice creamy sauce, some big fat chips and a bottle of Cote de Rhone all to myself.

“Get out of my way.”

Alison Harper, from Stevenage, added: “Last year I played along with the Valentine’s horseshit for about an hour and a half, but when the pudding arrived I just told him to shut up or leave.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Aston Villa offer to move to wherever new manager already lives

ASTON Villa have confirmed they are not expecting their new manager to move to Birmingham and are happy to go to him.

The club, who are in the relegation zone, have admitted that it is unreasonable for any boss to be expected to take on the twin miseries of the club and living in the West Midlands.

Chairman Randy Lerner said: “Don’t let the commuting thing put you off. If you’re willing to manage us, we’ll do the rest of the work.

“London? No problem. Madrid? Suits us. Florida? Australia? Leicester? Seriously, the way things are, we’d consider relocating to Leicester.

“In fact, we don’t have to be a football club. Maybe we could be a multiplex cinema. Or a go-kart track. Or a carpet warehouse. Up to you.

“We’re not interviewing for the position. We don’t want anyone to have the chance to think twice.”

So far, the only activity around the vacancy was Tim Sherwood calling the police after spotting the 42,000-capacity Villa Park lurking in the bushes at the bottom of his drive.