Women should be hot, slutty secretaries with massive boobs, says equalities minister

FIFTIES-STYLE sexpots with dirty laughs and enormous bangers are ideal role models for young women, according to the government’s equalities minister.

Lynne Featherstone, who many believe is actually be Reg Varney in a fright wig, believes women should emulate Christina Hendricks’s Mad Men retro-slut filth bomb character Joan Holloway.

She said: “Women are under increasing pressure to be thin, flat-chested shrews, who don’t sit on the corners of desks in very short skirts, nibbling the ends of pencils in a deliberately coquettish manner that leaves a smudge of ruby-red lipstick on the tip.

“It also saddens me that many girls of this generation are afraid to laugh exaggeratedly at the poor quality jokes of their older, married male superiors, possibly throwing back their heads as they do so to draw attention to their vast, heaving, milky-white decolletage.

“That’s how you get on in life.”

The minister’s comments have drawn a mixed response from normal people whose jobs involve doing something other than saying the first thing that pops into your head.

Man, Tom Logan, said: “I have absolutely no problem with very, very, very, hot buxom women. They really are excellent.

“I’m just not sure I need a taxpayer-funded third party to relay this information back to me.”

Teacher, Helen Archer, said: “Like most women, I’d look pretty much the same as Christina Hendricks if I just let myself go a bit. It’s really liberating to have such an attainable goal, especially as, being a girl, I think about this sort of shit pretty much all the time.

“Thanks Lynne Featherstone, you fucking halfwit.”


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Ferrari Employ Regency Gentlemen

CAR-pointing experts Ferrari have caused uproar by replacing their driving team with two excessively polite gentlemen from the 1820s.

The drivers were spotted before the race complimenting fellow competitors on the exquisite lining of their jumpsuits and sampling a range of delicate amontillados. Stewards also had to repeatedly warn the pair against smoking their briar pipes in the pit lane during refuelling.

F1 supremette Bernie Ecclestone said: “We had to fine the team £100,000 after they held up the race by stopping to pick violets by the trackside and compose a sonnet about them.”

Regular drivers Felipe Massa and Fernando Alonso were dropped by Ferrari after a blood test revealed that neither were related to the Duke of Devonshire or his charming wife Charlotte.

They were replaced by Sir Hector De Montford and his friend Algernon Twisset, who had been summering in Geneva as part of Sir Hector’s rest cure after coming over all unnecessary during a performance of the Magic Flute at Covent Garden.

De Montford said: “Algie and I were most delighted to be chosen for this venture into expediated perambulation.

“We have been working like the very devil to choose just the right hat.”

He added: “When I saw Algie whizzing up behind me, I did the decent thing by giving him a wide berth. He’s a gutty lad but his whip arm can be all over the place when he’s at full gallop.”

A recording of the Ferrari team radio transmissions has revealed that as Twisset passed De Montford he said ‘lovely day’ to which De Montford replied, ‘sir, it is indeed the loveliest of days’.

Meanwhile De Montford is now expected to mortally wound McLaren’s Lewis Hamilton in St James’s Park shortly after dawn tomorrow morning.