Work experience student 'surprised' to be made Trident launch button supervisor

A 15-YEAR-OLD boy was told to sit at the Trident missile controls and not press anything, it has emerged.

Work experience student Stephen Malley expressed surprise at being put in control of Britain’s nuclear arsenal, especially as he only applied to the navy because it sounded marginally better than Lidl.

He said: “The officer was like, ‘I’ve got to pick my kid up from a roller skating party, sit here and don’t touch anything, unless someone calls that telephone and says ‘the falcon is in the nest’ in which case the sequence is red-yellow-red’.

“I was a bit surprised but I said okay because taking responsibility is something I want to mention on my UCAS form.”

He said: “It’s weird though because after you’ve looked at a big red button for half an hour you do really want to press it.

“Starting World War III is probably bad, but on the other hand it would be something to show off about on social media.”

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Dogshit bins are homeworkers' watercoolers

HOMEWORKERS in need of office-style conversation about TV and sport are meeting by dog waste bins.

The bins, positioned at the perfect height to lean on, are the new hangout spot for thousands of freelancers desperate to avoid work by going on about Game of Thrones for 40 minutes.

Illustrator Joanna Kramer said: “I was strolling by last week, polybag of hot excreta in hand, when I got chatting about the latest Taylor Swift video.

“It’s a great place to chill – one elbow on the bin, opening conversations by asking if Rex has been regular then moving on to what’s happening with the Kardashians.

“Now I’m swinging by at least four times a day, and the only problem is I’m suffering a shit shortage.

“I tried making fakes from wet cardboard and chocolate posset but they don’t stand up to scrutiny.”

Kramer’s cocker spaniel Herbie said: “Finally we get to hang out where all the good smells are.

“Though when I hear them going on about Geordie Shore it does turn my stomach a bit.”