Worker unable to rationalise why he ate a Greggs pasty

AN OFFICE worker is unable to figure out why he ate a pasty from Greggs for his lunch.

Martin Bishop of Bedford ate the Sausage and Bean Melt at 1.14pm yesterday, getting so-called ‘buyer’s regret’ before he had even finished it.

Bishop said: “There was a supermarket across the road where I could have bought a salad or some kind of hummus.

But I didn’t. I ate whatever the hell that was.”

Bishop’s co-worker Emma Bradford said, “I’d always had a crush on Martin but seeing him sit there, mindlessly eating that sand-coloured sausage pouch thing really put me off him.

“In fact it has put me off men, and indeed the human race.”

Martin Bishop added: “That was a horrible experience and not to be repeated. So it’s back to the Steak Bake today, and maybe one of those custard slices that is too tall to fit in a human mouth.”

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Bristol to be reclassified as London suburb

BRISTOL is so overrun by ‘relocating’ London twats that it might as well just be in London, it has been confirmed.

Thousands are selling their houses in the capital and moving to Bristol, despite the fact that previous influxes of Londoners have already ruined it by opening overpriced vegan milkshake bars.

Former London resident Nathan Muir said: “Bristol is really similar to Hackney, but how Hackney used to be in the old days, before people like me moved there and made it an incredibly annoying place to be.

“You can pretend Bristol is a bit scary and edgy because there’s loads of graffiti everywhere, whilst being reassured that it’s the middle class kind that is making a gently humorous point about social injustices.

“I did think I’d get an extra bedroom for my money. Instead I’ve got a hippy on ketamine living in my garden shed, but at least it’s a slice of authentic Bristol life.”

A government spokesman said: “Bristol is so much like London that we’re just going to pretend it’s attached to Peckham and start calling it Brondon.

“Eventually the whole M4 corridor will be full of London bastards, except for Reading and Swindon which will be paved over for a massive park and ride scheme. Some places just can’t be gentrified.”