Working-class couple trying for middle

A YOUNG couple are striving to shed their working-class roots and bring a brand new, middle-class awfulness into their lives.

Nikki Hollis and her partner Thom believe they are at a stage when they are ready and can afford to feel insufferably superior to people they now consider to be more common than they are.

Hollis said: “We’ve worked hard to cultivate a lovely home for middle-class toxicity to thrive. We’ve got a Smeg fridge and a labradoodle, and my Insta stories are stuffed with humblebrags about how happy I’d be if only we could afford an Aga but we’ve given the money to Ukraine instead.

“We’ve also worked hard on ourselves. I now only use profanity for emphasis, not punctuation, and we’ve added a superfluous ‘h’ to Thom’s name so he sounds like he runs a small architecture studio in a converted woollen mill rather than working in a call centre.

“It’s not always easy, and I do sometimes lie awake in my organic cotton bed sheets and wonder if deliberately turning ourselves into wankers is a terrible mistake.

“But it does seem to be going well. Thom thinks our friends and family already consider us to be massive twats who were nicer as we were. One can only hope.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Paris, and other boring, unimaginative places to be in love

THINK your love for your partner is unique and unlike any other? It’s not if you insist on doing it in these clichéd places:


Wow, how’d you hit on Paris as a destination for your romantic getaway? Did it come to you in a dream? Trying to be in love in the literal City of Love is as easy as falling off a baguette. Try Luton next time, that will really test your limits for being besotted with each other.


How predictable. You can’t say ‘romance’ without saying Rome. If you can only stand each other when you’re sharing a tiramisu near the Trevi Fountain you’re probably not meant to be, and will struggle to keep the flame alive once you’ve moved to a new build estate near Gloucester and spawned two annoying kids.

The beach

There’s nothing like a long walk on the beach. The stunning scenery, the fresh sea air, the sound of the waves so loud that you can barely hear your partner going on about whatever shit their colleague did this week. Of course you feel loved-up, you twee, boring bastards.

A fancy restaurant

Dressing up and splashing the cash on oysters and expensive wine, are you? Think your partner will love you even more because you’ve shelled out a couple of hundred quid on several tiny plates of food with names you can’t pronounce? You should know that real love can withstand multiple trips to the same Pizza Express with the same 50% off voucher.

In each other’s eyes

Oh f**k off. You two don’t even need to leave the house, do you? Mooning about, able to spend time together without being three pints deep or high on some illegal substance. It’s pathetic, but worst of all? So unoriginal. Anyway, it will definitely wear off within a year or two, leaving you shackled together by a mortgage and a dog, so enjoy it while it lasts.