Working-class grannies requisitioned by middle-class households

LOVING working-class grandparents are to be reassigned to cold, ambitious middle-class families in dire need of them. 

The move, announced today by the home office, will give the next generation of successful entrepreneurs the nurturing environment they need. 

Minister of state Mike Penning said: “Working-class British grandparents, who always have a tin of chocolate biscuits and a place next to them to watch Countdown, are the best in the world. 

“But we are wasting this valuable resource on children who will, at best, get three Bs at GCSE and do a degree at a former polytechnic.”

Mother of three Dr Helen Archer said: “My parents live in the Dordogne, and why shouldn’t they because they’ve done very well for themselves, but that leaves the children without love or warmth all through term-time. 

“I can’t give it them because I’ve got meetings, but these traditional Northern grannies in their terraced houses with the fire on have all the time in the world. 

“I can send Reuben to ours – I think she’s called Yvonne if that’s not the cleaner – to be told that he’s a lovely boy and given a tenner ‘spends’ before he comes back to me and I tell him how disappointed I am that he’s failed his grade five oboe.”

More than 400,000 grannies have been forcibly rehomed with high-income families, where they are already pinching cheeks, giving wet kisses and telling them to keep away from anyone with dark hair.

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Dear Holly: I need a summer make-over

Dear Holly,

I need a summer make-over. Over the winter I’ve done that usual thing of slipping into a look that says, ‘I am a merciless, capitalist party animal; I’m going to dismantle the state piece by juicy piece and you plebs can do nothing about it’. But I want something softer and lighter for the warm weather, maybe with slightly more humanity round the eyes. Have you got any tips?



Dear George,

Did you know that a glitter pen makes an excellent lipstick for a dog? If the dog’s hair is light enough, you can probably also do some contouring with a Sharpie around the cheeks, and maybe even write a rude word on its back. Why spend hours doing your own make-up when you can get instant gratification from vandalising a Yorkshire terrier?

Hope that helps,