Working long hours for shit wages doesn't make you working class

BRITONS have been informed that mere labouring for long hours in precarious jobs for minimum wage does not entitle them to call themselves ‘working class’. 

Experts have explained to young people, people of colour, women, foreigners and southerners that just because their jobs could not be worse nor their wages lower does not mean they can use the hallowed epithet of ‘working class’ to describe themselves.

Julian Cook, author of Old, White and Living In Barnsley: The English Working Class, said: “The very fact that these people are working at all makes them suspect. The truly authentic working classes are for the most part retired.

“When we say working class we mean salt-of-the-earth types who trod the cobbled streets of the 1950s to work in factories and are too busy scrubbing themselves in tin baths to think about identity politics and feminism.

“Some of these people claiming to be working class have fancy jobs like barista, sandwich artist and care worker. Well you don’t come home with a dirty face from those.

“The real working classes, from mines, steel mills or Sunderland, have earned their right to be reactionary, Brexit-supporting Boris Johnson admirers. These others are nothing but arrivistes.”

22-year-old delivery driver Ryan Whittaker said: “I hoped I might be working class, because they count. But I ate an avocado once so I’m urban metropolitan elite.”

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Lib Dem victory would have been earth-shaking shock changing politics forever if it had been UKIP

TODAY’S Lib Dem by-election victory would be a seismic political event transforming the political landscape permanently if it had been UKIP, experts have agreed. 

Political commentators are in no doubt that a surprise UKIP by-election win of the kind which has yet to happen after 28 years would have upended British politics and confounded all predictions, but this is a Lib Dem win so meh.

Journalist Martin Bishop said: “A UKIP win? The streets of Chesham and Amersham would be six-deep with vox popping TV crews, desperate to find out why the ordinary man-in-the-street had revolutionised politics. A Lib Dem win? Not so much.

“I think we can already say this is a one-off protest vote by the polite and well-off that will be reversed at a general election. I haven’t asked any actual voters but that feels true.

“Yes it’s kind of weird that a safe Tory seat has fallen unexpectedly, but it’s not like it’s such a big deal we should have Jo Swinson on Question Time. She’s not the leader? It’s not like we should have whoever the Lib Dem leader is on Question Time.

“Blue Wall crumbling? Nonsense. Be serious. It’s just the Lib Dems.”