World’s wisest man found on internet

A MAN who understands everything has been discovered thanks to his repeated posts on the online comment sections of national newspapers.

Retired engineer Roy Hobbs has been using news websites to share his solutions to a vast range of problems, most recently outlining a detailed civil defence plan should the Mars rover discover hostile alien life forms on the Daily Express website.

Hobbs has also explained how global warming could be tackled by painting everything white in a post on the Guardian website, and yesterday made a scathing attack on the coalition government on the ninth page of comments under an Independent editorial.

Hobbs said: “Let’s get rid of Dave Posho and his gang and replace them with people who know what it’s like to struggle in life – little Ellie Simmonds and our amazing Paralympics team!”

He then demanded that bankers work for free until they have paid off the national debt underneath the Mail Online article ‘Money tips for tough times’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “When Hobbs suggested sending sex offenders to Afghanistan to act as decoys while our troops withdraw safely, I realised his was a rare intellect.

“The only thing that puzzles me is why a brilliant polymath like Hobbs spends all his time posting comments online when he could easily be a prominent world leader. The only explanation can be that his vast intellect means he has transcended worldly concerns.”

Hobbs said: “I will keep posting until the powers-that-be finally treat online comments sections with the respect they deserve.

“Although not today because my computer crashed last night while I was attempting to find a solution to the problem of hot and horny MILFs.”



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A Freshers' Guide to Choosing the Right Bong

By bong analyst Stephen Malley
AS the new university term starts, there are hundreds of water pipes to choose from – but which is right for you?

Embarking on higher education is one of life’s great adventures – and for most students there is no more constant companion throughout that journey than their bong.

A bong is much more than just a practical device for inhaling large volumes of cannabis smoke in a single breath – it is a unit of social cohesion, and a projection of your personality.

But the semantics of bongs are notoriously complicated. The multi-pipe Yoda bongs smack of ‘over-enthusiastic beginner’ while a percolator bong says ‘science geek’.

The classic ALIEN HEAD BONG can be a fun entry point. Reasonably priced and with a strong ceramic construction, its low centre of gravity makes it hard to accidentally kick over when going to the cupboard for crisps.

COLLAPSIBLE TRAVEL BONGS are perfect for house parties. They project the image of a dynamic bong owner who’s always on the go.

MINIATURE BOTTLE BONGS made from vintage spirit bottles bring a cool retro vibe to long afternoons staring silently at quiz shows.

Cylindrical PERSPEX BONGS are the ‘design classic’ of the bong world, combining functionality with clean, unfussy lines. Avoid the cliched ‘rasta bong’ in the colours of the Ethiopian flag but go for a dark colour because it will disguises all the filth that will accumulate inside.

Ultimately bong selection is, like so much of student life, about what feels right. University offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be semi-comatose for days at a time, and the most important thing is to seize it with both hands (clamped around a bong).