'You moved slightly, so that means we're going for a walk' says ridiculously excited dog

A DOG is absurdly optimistic that his owner shifting slightly on the sofa means a long, exciting walk is imminent.

Border collie Brian has not given up hope – no matter how many times his owners are simply re-orgainsing their buttocks – that it will lead to a three-hour walk, possibly involving a stick and a mysterious adventure in a cave.

He said: “They’re moving. This is it this is it this is it – oh. No, just scratching their arse.

“Still, with that out of the way, I’m confident it’ll be well worth me jumping up like a nutter the next time, because I know I won’t be disappointed.

“I’d better make sure I’m ready because it really could be any minute now. In fact I think – yes – Yes! I’m up! It’s happening! This is going to be the walk of the century!

“Oh no. Scratching their arse again.”

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Baby taunts father with new hair growth

A BABY has been flaunting his rapidly sprouting hair follicles in front of his balding father, it has emerged.

Three-month-old Tom Logan is relishing the irrepressible growth and vitality of his burgeoning mane, as his father’s scalp becomes more and more visible every day.

Logan said: “Dad’s head is shiny on top with depressing patches of greying hair round the sides, whereas my head is covered in cuter-than-cute wisps of perfectly soft, richly hued baby hair.

“My bald spots are charming and simply a temporary part of my ever-upward developmental trajectory, whereas dad’s are a sad and constant reminder of his dwindling life force.

“I’m the guy with good hair in this house now. Mum knows it – I don’t see her lovingly stroke his remaining few hairs”.

Logan’s father Phil said: “All that baby does is remind me of my slowly decaying body.

“The gummy little sod should enjoy having a growing head of hair while he can, because in twenty-nine years his hairline will start to recede and carefree joy as he knows it will be over for him.”