You rent a flat aged 40 and can't drive: five signs you're not turning into your parents

YOU used to dread becoming your parents, but why? Their lifestyle has perks you’ll never achieve: 

You rent aged 40

You will never ‘settle down’ with a ‘mortgage’ like your boring parents. That’s because they were born in a time when houses cost 20p and banks dished them out like gold stars at primary school. Meanwhile you’ll die from the stress of trying to scrape together a deposit, aged 52.

You can’t drive

Your dad washes his Skoda by hand every Sunday morning at 9am. You cleverly sidestepped becoming a car bore by failing your driving test eight times, never mastering this basic skill, and still getting the bus. At least you have a low carbon footprint, you comfort yourself.

You don’t have a pension

Your parents have a bureau to keep all of their financial forms in order. The nerds. Fortunately you’ve avoided anything which requires paperwork because you’ve been too poor for pensions, savings or property deeds. Instead you binge Netflix while scrolling your phone. You only have £16 in your current account, but that’s life on the edge.

You can’t use a power drill

Your dad has to pop round with his power tools on a weekly basis to sort minor repairs you should know how to fix. He’s not even trained, he’s just using a lifetime of experience and common sense. When he’s gone you’ll have to pay someone £500 to put up a shelf while you reflect on how painfully inadequate you are.

You still can’t cook

By the time they were your age, your folks could make a toad-in-the-hole or a shepherd’s pie from scratch in 18 minutes without any ingredients. How do they find the time to cook every single day? They should use Deliveroo like you. It’s so convenient and only costs enough to keep you permanently below the poverty line.

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Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson: Five other 90s scandals ideal for a TV drama

WITH 90s ‘sex tape drama’ Pam & Tommy a hit on streaming services, which other tabloid fodder of the era is ripe for adaptation next? Definitely these momentous events:

Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson

A story with all the the makings of a heist thriller. The big score is waving your arse at Jacko while he sings Earth Song at the BRITs. We see the planning stage – Jarvis poring over blueprints of the venue months in advance – and finally the execution, evading security to deliver a textbook arse-flapping in front of an audience of millions.

Gazza and the Dentist’s Chair

A tale of sporting redemption in which Gazza is played by the versatile Toby Jones. He joins Teddy Sheringham (Michael Fassbender) and Steve McManaman (Benedict Cumberbatch) in a Hong Kong nightclub and is tied to a chair with booze poured down his throat. Only to be exposed by the paps. A bollocking from England manager Terry Venables (Sir Ian McKellen) follows and finally a wonder goal at Euro 96. It’s got ‘ITV on a Sunday night’ written all over it.

Hugh Grant and Divine Brown

Hugh Grant plays himself, revisiting his most controversial moment, and it’s not Mickey Blue Eyes. It’s LA in 1995. Hugh is cheating on Liz Hurley to get a blowie on Sunset Boulevard from Divine Brown. Episode one would open on his iconic mugshot – then somehow stretch to a five-part mini series for Sky.

The Cool Britannia Party

The new House of Cards. The year is 1997, New Labour are riding a wave and Tony Blair is still six years away from being hated by everyone. We see the guest list taking shape while chancellor Brown grumbles about ‘how much all this will cost’. The PM listens to a CD marked ‘modern music’ on his Walkman and scribbles out Aqua and Chumbawamba from his list before finally circling the guest of honour: Noel Gallagher from Oasis.

Marathon changes its name to Snickers

Drama set in 1990 about the boardroom wrangling and backstabbing which led to Marathon being renamed Snickers. Think whiteboards filled with dire economic predictions, torrid deliberations to match only 12 Angry Men, and one trailblazing employee with a plan to change the confectionery industry forever. If successful, it will get a sequel: Opal Fruits vs Starburst.