YOU used to dread becoming your parents, but why? Their lifestyle has perks you’ll never achieve:
You rent aged 40
You will never ‘settle down’ with a ‘mortgage’ like your boring parents. That’s because they were born in a time when houses cost 20p and banks dished them out like gold stars at primary school. Meanwhile you’ll die from the stress of trying to scrape together a deposit, aged 52.
You can’t drive
Your dad washes his Skoda by hand every Sunday morning at 9am. You cleverly sidestepped becoming a car bore by failing your driving test eight times, never mastering this basic skill, and still getting the bus. At least you have a low carbon footprint, you comfort yourself.
You don’t have a pension
Your parents have a bureau to keep all of their financial forms in order. The nerds. Fortunately you’ve avoided anything which requires paperwork because you’ve been too poor for pensions, savings or property deeds. Instead you binge Netflix while scrolling your phone. You only have £16 in your current account, but that’s life on the edge.
You can’t use a power drill
Your dad has to pop round with his power tools on a weekly basis to sort minor repairs you should know how to fix. He’s not even trained, he’s just using a lifetime of experience and common sense. When he’s gone you’ll have to pay someone £500 to put up a shelf while you reflect on how painfully inadequate you are.
You still can’t cook
By the time they were your age, your folks could make a toad-in-the-hole or a shepherd’s pie from scratch in 18 minutes without any ingredients. How do they find the time to cook every single day? They should use Deliveroo like you. It’s so convenient and only costs enough to keep you permanently below the poverty line.