We read your meter then randomly pick a figure you can't afford: How your energy bill is calculated

NOT sure why your gas and electric bills will shoot up – again? Here energy company boss Roy Hobbs explains how it is all calculated.

We read the meter then think of a figure that’ll empty your account

In the spirit of fairness we send a peon round to read your meter, note the numbers down in a little book, then use these findings to take the piss. So what if you’ve survived winter by keeping the gas off and wearing four jumpers to stay warm? That’ll be £800 pounds please. Don’t keep us waiting.

We pluck numbers out of a big hat

Everyone in the office writes down whopping great figures on a slip of paper, which are then folded in half and chucked into a big hat. Every few months we all gather round and take turns to fish them out and assign them to one of our customers. Bad luck Sylvia from Gloucester, looks like you owe us £5,727.59.

We blindly hammer the number keys for 10 seconds

Monitoring your energy use and keeping track of which band you’re in is far too much hassle. That’s why we save ourselves the trouble by blindly pressing number keys for 10 seconds then chucking a pound sign in front. That’s how you sometimes get a bill of £4,381,568.20 for October to February.

We take a sobering look at our budget deficit

Thanks to our ridiculous salaries and lack of state control, the word ‘profit’ on our balance sheet has got a disturbing minus sign in front of it. To calculate your bill we take this negative number and divide it by the population of Britain. Problem solved! Well, for us. For you the bailiffs are coming round because you dared put the central heating on and use the kettle.

We just do whatever the f**k we want

Does it matter how we calculate your bill? We’re a massive energy conglomerate and you’re a cleaner from Plymouth. What are you going to do, write a stern letter of complaint or phone our customer helpline? Don’t make me laugh. We can get away with anything because we are your god. Fancy a bath in cold water? I thought not.

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Boris must remain prime minister. If he doesn't I've just married some dick

By Carrie Johnson

TORY MPs? F**k them. The public? F**k them even more. Keir Starmer? He can f**k himself, he’s not worth the effort. This ends now.

Boris has to stay prime minister. Why? Because otherwise I’ve had two bloody babies with and married a useless old prick.

Those were not parties. I’ve been to parties, I can tell you. When Uncle Zac’s in a giving mood me and the girls have partied for 72 hours straight. Those were not even gatherings. They were sad bastard civil servants trying to drink enough to be worth talking to.

The resignations? Nobody who matters. Have you heard of any of them? No. It’s only a big deal because the media wants a fuss. It’s like trying to give a shit when Taylor Swift loses a backing dancer.

But like the benighted misogynists they are, the Tories are trying to put the blame on me. After what I’ve done for Downing Street’s image by clearing out the pissy stench of May’s leather trousers.

The wallpaper? Boris loved it. Is it my fault that Lulu Lytle has no understanding of how modern celebrity works and presented us with a bill? Who the f**k is she?

Sam Cam used to hide behind the curtains when there was company. Now buccaneering Britain has a real first lady, young and blonde and awake to issues of social injustice, but ‘bringing the baby to parties’ is apparently weird.

Lovely Boris is apologising, which he’s very good at, and Cressida’s promised absolutely no action which is a nice guarantee to have.

The bottom line is I cannot be hitched to a Telegraph journalist who doesn’t even own a house. So this country needs to get its act together. Realising how lucky it is to have me would be a start.

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