Young couples excited to begin futile lifelong quest for increasingly large property

FIRST-TIME buyers have welcomed stamp duty cuts that will help launch them on a spiritually barren path of buying incrementally larger houses.

28-year-old Tom Logan and his fiance Emma Bradford can now barely afford to buy their first house, which they will immediately decide is not big enough.

Logan said: “We’ve been living at my mum’s but all we really want is to buy a house, then another house, then another house, all the time worrying that where we are living does not fully reflect our social status.”

Emma Bradford said: “The main thing is having somewhere slightly bigger and nicer than our core peer group. But of course they keep upgrading so you are never secure.

“If only they would all just die.”

Logan said: “The property market is crazy. God knows what it’ll be like when our kids grow up.

“Really expensive, I hope, because by then I’ll be rich and able to buy them a house while telling everyone in the pub about my generosity in a fake ‘what a nightmare’ kind of way.”

Woman genuinely contemptuous of celebrity fashion

A WOMAN has failed to realise that outrageous fashions are just part of a grim celebrity publicity machine.

“How do these idiots get to be famous?”

Office manager Donna Sheridan frequently experiences real shock and contempt for ridiculously dressed celebrities who are successfully generating publicity and thus money.

Sheridan said: “Did you see what Cara Delevigne was wearing at the British Fashion Awards? I bet she felt pretty stupid when she woke up the next day.

“And what was Rihanna thinking at the MTV party, wearing tiny hotpants and a barely-there transparent top? She could easily lose all credibility in the R&B community by dressing like a slut.

“The worst is Kim Kardashian. The other day she went out in Los Angeles wearing a skin-tight leather bodysuit that was practically pornographic.

“She must be really thick because even I know LA is full of photographers.”

Other celebrities who have been strongly criticised by Sheridan include Alexa Chung, Millie Mackintosh and Katy Perry, all of whom would regard Sheridan as less significant than a moth if they even knew she existed.

Celebrity fashionista Nikki Hollis said: “For me, going to the Elle Awards dressed like a hooker version of Coco the Clown is honest graft no different to working in a warehouse or tarmacing a B-road.

“Although I doubt many road workers suffer constant gnawing pangs of existential emptiness.”