Young people just like cigarettes and alcohol

ALCOHOL and cigarettes are not primarily a coping mechanism, according to young people.

Following reports that stressed teenagers are turning to drink, 18-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I just like drinking. It’s ace. So are fags.

“I’m not having a crisis, in fact I’m fucking loving it.

“I’m probably going to have sex every night this week.”

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All TripAdvisor reviews written by same weird man

ALL the reviews on TripAdvisor have been written by a single socially-isolated misfit.

41-year-old loner Roy Hobbs has admitted writing all the reviews ever posted on the consumer website.

He said: “I have a number of hobbies, including collecting Babylon 5 action figures and spying on my neighbours. But my best one is TripAdvisor.

“I have never been to a restaurant or stayed in a hotel so it is nice to play out all the potential scenarios in my head.

“For example, what if the mattresses were a bit lumpy, or there were some Belgian students having a loud party in the bar until three in the morning? I would be cross.

“On the other hand, it might be nice with lovely views and free mints.”

Hobbs added: “I do a technical thing to make it look like I’m using a different computer every time. Also I vary the spelling from poor to abysmal.”

Hobbs’s computer hard drive contains over 260,000 made-up reviews varying in tone from intensely passive-aggressive to nauseatingly fawning.

Hobbs said: “I suppose I am quite lonely, getting people to choose restaurants based on my writing is the closest I get to human interaction.”

Web analyst Emma Bradford said: “He’s telling the truth. After all, what normal person would even consider writing a review on TripAdvisor?”