Your guide to idiotic poppy day controversies

WEARING a poppy isn’t just about showing your respect, it’s also a chance for idiots to enjoy feeling furious. Here are some ‘controversies’ to get het up about.

Someone doesn’t wear a poppy on TV

Watch TV like a hawk and kick off if you spot a celebrity or newsreader not wearing one. Don’t check whether it fell off just before going on air or something – that will totally kill your sanctimonious buzz.

Your poppy is the wrong colour

White poppies are for hippy scum and red ones for decent people. Don’t even begin to think you can choose the one that best represents your own views. If you’ve got the wrong colour poppy you may as well have been operating the German machine guns yourself.

A traitor does not wear a poppy while playing sport

Footballers receive death threats for taking the knee, a political gesture with no place in sport, and not wearing a poppy. Be sure to threaten anyone not wearing a symbol of remembrance for people who died violent deaths with a violent death.

People with fancy poppies

Some celebrities wear slightly more expensive poppies that resemble a brooch. This is a level of nitpicking soldiers storming the Normandy beaches would definitely have cared about.

Disrespectful bastards who wear it on the wrong side

Some people insist poppies must go on the left-hand side, and only the Queen can wear a poppy on her right. If you’re one of these people you probably also think Queenie was personally chosen for her job by God and are a bit mad.

The pin-related stab risk

An actual controversy a couple of years ago, but less to do with Remembrance Day itself and more to do with being a clumsy twat.

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Currys buries last elderly customer in low-quality fridge

IN a moving ceremony the last person who shops at Currys these days was committed to the ground in a mediocre fridge-freezer.

Pensioner Mary Fisher, 95, bought many items at Currys due to not really understanding electrical or electronic goods and being too scared of computers to shop online.

A Currys spokesman said: “This is a very sad time for us. Mary was the sort of elderly customer we depend on because they are a bit clueless about good deals.

“She will be sadly missed by the staff at her local Currys in Norwich, where they will have nothing to do but stare aimlessly at the vast array of garish, low-performance laptops.

“Mary was the last of her generation, by which I mean people who don’t compare prices online and buy Nintendo games that will be completely useless on their grandchildren’s Playstations.”

At the well-attended funeral Fisher was buried in an overpriced £249 Zagtech L770 fridge freezer that is surprisingly noisy and which a younger, more clued-up consumer would never buy.

Mourner Eleanor Shaw said: “It was a beautiful service. It’s just a shame the fridge-coffin came with the wrong door and they had to go back to the depot for a new one.”