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Your home, and other things to sell to afford the cost of living

STRUGGLING to make ends meet? Beat the rising cost of living by selling off these frivolous luxuries for cash.

Your treasured possessions

Sticking stuff on eBay is a quick way to make a bit of extra money. Sadly though, emotional value is worthless to potential buyers, so that jumper your late grandma knitted for you won’t sell for more than the postage fee. Try your wife’s wedding ring instead. No need to mention it to her.

Your home

A house is just a load of bricks and mortar where you eat, sleep and have countless happy memories. By selling it you can raise hundreds of thousands of pounds and start living like a king. Caviar for breakfast? Wild cocaine parties? It’s all a reality now. Admittedly you’ll have to kip under a bridge in a sleeping bag, but you’ll be able to afford a fancy North Face one.

Your organs

The kidney market is weak because everyone knows they can get by with one, so sell something else. You surely can’t need both a small and large intestine, so chuck one on the black market. You probably don’t need lungs either if you’re not into exercise.

Your family

You’re always moaning about how annoying your family is, so why not sell them into slavery? If you’ve got a large brood flog them wholesale to the highest bidder and cut down on shipping costs. Plus you won’t have to spend another irritating Christmas with them. There is literally no downside to this.

Your dignity

Once you’ve sold off the above, all you’ll have left to exploit is your sense of worth. You might be doing this already with a soul-destroying job, but there’s always room for improvement. Think about making unboxing videos to wring every last penny out of your dignity.

Six infuriating film endings that can just f**k off

HAVE you wasted precious time and money watching films that were not great, only to be insulted by an idiotic cliched ending? Here are some that need to stop.

Unending endings

Whether it’s Superman or Bond, the trend is for action mayhem that goes on for 45 knackering minutes at the very least. We’re pretty sure Spielberg never thought ‘This is a terrific ending. You really need a nap during it’.

The villain pops back up for no reason

A staple of horror movies, but sometimes just a regular baddie who you didn’t conclusively see die with 60 bullets in him. The director somehow thinks it’s a clever scare, but it makes watching the film a bit of a waste of time as The Slasher Man will clearly keep returning in increasingly shit sequels. 

A terrible, terrible twist

These can be obvious (lay off the twist endings for a bit, M Night Shyamalan), done countless times before (‘It was all a simulation!’) or just nonsensical. You’ll think ‘How can the victim run over the serial killer in a car if they’re the same person with a split personality, which doesn’t really work like that anyway?’ Or, more likely, ‘F**king hell. Is the bar still open?’

Everyone just dies

Sometimes apt in a film with a tragic theme, often just tacked-on to seem deep without the hassle of thinking of a proper ending. Increasingly with franchise movies like Rogue One, everyone has to unceremoniously kark it because they’re not in the 1977 film.

Loads of stuff in the end credits

Go and f**k yourself, Marvel. Even if you’re inexplicably interested in an upcoming film with Jai Courtney as Captain Boomerang, your immersion in the film has been completely broken by finding out who did the catering.

Last minute changing what’s canon

Star Wars can’t stop doing this. Rise of Skywalker featured the brand new ‘force dyad’ plucked fresh from JJ Abrams’ arse, and the simple measure of crossing lightsabers making them incredibly powerful. Our supposed heroes the Jedi must have been thick as pigshit to never notice this.