You’re the ones who are wrong, people who have already done Christmas shopping told

PEOPLE who have already finished their Christmas shopping have been told that they are the ones who are somehow deficient.

Sanctimonious deviant Donna Sheridan began buying things for Christmas in the January sales, completing her final purchase yesterday while you were still trying to remember how many cousins you have.

Sheridan said: “I like to have them all wrapped in good time, so I can spend December drinking mulled wine, going to carol concerts, and volunteering at a local charities.

“I could never do all my shopping at a 24-hour petrol station at 11pm on Christmas eve like you do, and I truly admire that level of spontaneity.”

However Sheridan’s neighbour Mary Fisher said: “At first I felt like she was somehow admirable, then I realised that she’s just weird in an annoying way.

“In her obsessively competitive mind she has to somehow ‘beat’ everyone by buying a load of crud then wrapping it in shiny paper.

“In summary, fuck off.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies agreed: “The ‘early present people’ are wrong. It’s like arriving at a bus stop three hours before your bus is due.

“You don’t do that unless there is something the matter with you.”