The World's Most Eco-Friendly Shopping Bag: Are You Too Poor And Ghastly To Own One?

THOUSANDS of really ordinary people like you queued around the block last night to get their hands on the must-have fashion accessory of our time: the Anya Hindmarch designed Daily Mash eco-shopping bag.

The Daily Mash bag is largely made from air, one of the most environmentally friendly substances known to man, and has a carbon footprint smaller than that of a dolphin.

Only the handles are constructed from matter, in this case a super-ecological recycled rope, which is woven from lint, dust, and furballs collected from the houses of dirty people.

Marked with an invisible slogan that says “I am not actually a bag at all” the Daily Mash eco-bag is believed to be the most environmentally friendly grocery-carrying device available today.

Not only is it constructed with virtually no materials, but it is also impossible to carry anything in it.

This ensures shoppers return from every store visit having purchased absolutely nothing that might damage our environment. 

Some 20,000 of the bags were made available from the offices of The Daily Mash first thing this morning, but with demand so high only the most dedicated of shoppers was able to secure one.

Erin Timmins, 29, a visitor from the Italian city of Grazia, said she had wanted one ever since she saw the model Kate Moss carrying absolutely nothing in hers at this year’s Oscars party.

She said: “I really want one so everyone will see me and think how selfless I am. I think the bag’s natural fibres go incredibly well with this season’s colours. And when everything changes next season I can just throw this eco-bag away and get a new one.”

Matthew Cordell, 26, a wheeler-dealer, said he had queued through the night to get his hands on one of the coveted bags to flog it immediately on eBay for a fat profit.

He said: “The Mash is selling these at a ridiculously low price of £49.99 because of its principled commitment to raising its own profile. But I know for a fact I can get at least £50 on eBay, and maybe more.”

However, Cordell's disgusting attempt to gain personal advantage from the destrution of our environment is doomed to fail. A new shipment of 200,000 Daily Mash bags will arrive from our Indian factories tomorrow on a specially chartered fleet of Boeing 707 cargo planes, and will be available direct from us next week, for just £50.05 inc p&p. Email us now to reserve yours.

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Prince Harry To Be Sent To Ascot

ARMY chiefs are reviewing their decision to send Prince Harry to Iraq and are now expected to send the Royal soldier to Ascot instead.

Brigadier Norman MacLean, deputy Chief of the General Staff, said: "This is not about special treatment.

"Lieutenant Windsor can expect his skills to be tested to the full.

"He has spent the last three years spending other people's money in dozens of bars and clubs up and down the Fulham Road before being tipped into the back of an armoured Range Rover. He's ready."

Brigadier MacLean added: "Ascot is a demanding environment. It will be hot and uncomfortable. The morning coat, waistcoat and top hat will be stifling

"Around every corner he will have to decide 'is this a threat or an opportunity?'"

The third in line to the throne has been warned that Ascot will be just the first stage in a grueling tour of duty expected to take in Wimbledon, the Henley Regatta and the British Grand Prix.