Mcconnell Comes Last In 'Zoo Trustworthiness' Poll

FIRST Minister Jack McConnell is the party leader least trusted to take your 19 year old-sister to the zoo, according to the first Daily Mash readers’ poll.

The Scottish Labour leader secured just 15% of the votes, well behind his political rivals.

Nicol Stephen, the Liberal Democrat leader, claimed a convincing victory with 43%. SNP chief Alex Salmond and Solidarity leader Tommy Sheridan shared second spot with 21% each.

“This is a very damaging blow to Labour’s strategy as we enter the last week of the campaign,” said Professor Nathan Muir of Glasgow Clyde University.

“Labour set out to portray McConnell as a safe pair of hands when it came to people’s 19 year-old sisters, whether it was at the zoo, the pictures or walking the West Highland Way.

“They even tested McConnell’s reactions on a visit to the zoo last month and he was absolutely captivated by the penguins. Couldn’t see past them.”

Professor Muir added: “Sheridan scored surprisingly well, but Salmond will be disappointed. He’s a master of the zoo visit. That’s his territory.

“As for Nicol Stephen, this poll shows he is seen as decent, trustworthy, responsible and a boring little tit.”

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'Eat Your Rubbish' Say Councils

SCOTTISH councils are planning to shift from weekly refuse collections to never because householders keep on filling their bins with dirty rubbish.

Research by the councils shows that every time a bin is emptied of waste inconsiderate househoulders start to fill them up all over again with more disgusting stuff.

Harry Baldon, rubbish spokesman for the councils, said it was clear the only way to stop people throwing all this filth away was by removing bins altogether.

He said: “We would not mind so much if people just put nice clean stuff in our bins, which we could make good use of.

“But every week they are packed full of disgusting smelly shite, which we then just have to throw away.

"Why can’t people get rid of their own rubbish, rather than using our bins all the time? It’s not very nice for us you know.”

According to the Scottish councils rampant bin provision is bad for the environment as it encourages homeowners to discard huge amounts of recyclable items such as fluff, lint, dust, and old scabs.

Yet all these materials are easily salvageable and can be re-used around the house for a variety of purposes such as horse-brass polishing or, in the case of scabs, loft insulation.

Mr Baldon said far too much household waste was also being discarded in bins when it could easily be eaten.

He said: “Banana peel can make a very tasty and nutritious snack, as do old fingernails and used-up coffee grounds. There really is no need for anyone to throw any of this stuff away.”