£45m death machine used for killing people

A MASSIVE helicopter armed with machine guns, missiles and rocket launchers has been used to kill people, it has emerged.

Prince Harry confirmed that the £45m Apache attack helicopter, given to him for his 25th birthday, has done exactly what it was supposed to do.

He said: “You take a life to save a life. It’s tremendously enjoyable.”

Death consultant Martin Bishop said: “The Apache carries something called a 30mm chain gun which will make a hole in your face the size of an apple. It’s the first thing they show a trainee pilot, at which point he starts panting like a cartoon dog.

“The Apache also has ‘Hellfire’ anti-tank missiles, 70mm unguided rockets and Stinger air-to-air missiles. None of these are used to drop leaflets about democracy.”

Bishop added: “If Prince Harry had failed to kill anyone with his Apache it would have led to a renewed debate about the dangers of royal inbreeding.”

The prince is now on his way back to the UK where he will begin his search for a new hobby.

He has set up a team to research ways in which he can continue to kill people legally or secretly.

A source said: “He loves the idea of taking his Apache for a spin over the centre of Bristol, but someone would probably notice that.

“I suspect he will spend the next 12 months accidentally shooting hunt sabs and forcing cyclists into ravines.”

 

Internet reduced to 97 pages

THE internet is to be cut from 640 million websites to 97 multi-purpose pages.

To make cyberspace more manageable by governments, the current sprawl of Gangnam Style and modified vaginas will be deleted in favour of a functional net that can be read by a policeman in less than four hours.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “There will be one blog, edited by a committee of idiots and read by no-one. Meanwhile, all the shops have been replaced with Amazon, which simply saves five years of market forces.

“Rather than several billion Tweets there will just be one saying Justin Bieber is a eunuch and another one from Caitlin Moran to Chris Addison about meeting Giles Coren for a drink. We haven’t bothered replacing Facebook. Obviously.”

Just seven of the edited pages will feature pornography after research found that the seemingly-infinite spectrum of sexuality actually involves doing eight things to five holes.

Any further additions to the internet will be agreed by international agencies on a one-in, one-out system, with any future boybands replacing the current page showing One Direction forming a human pyramid.

The current internet will be switched off on 31 January and Brubaker has advised people to take down their recipes, holiday photos and opinions and keep them in a shoebox at home where they have always belonged.

He added: “Any further questions will be answered on the internet’s sole news page, which is going to be the Daily Mail because that’s the one you fuckers chose.”