£45m death machine used for killing people

A MASSIVE helicopter armed with machine guns, missiles and rocket launchers has been used to kill people, it has emerged.

Prince Harry confirmed that the £45m Apache attack helicopter, given to him for his 25th birthday, has done exactly what it was supposed to do.

He said: “You take a life to save a life. It’s tremendously enjoyable.”

Death consultant Martin Bishop said: “The Apache carries something called a 30mm chain gun which will make a hole in your face the size of an apple. It’s the first thing they show a trainee pilot, at which point he starts panting like a cartoon dog.

“The Apache also has ‘Hellfire’ anti-tank missiles, 70mm unguided rockets and Stinger air-to-air missiles. None of these are used to drop leaflets about democracy.”

Bishop added: “If Prince Harry had failed to kill anyone with his Apache it would have led to a renewed debate about the dangers of royal inbreeding.”

The prince is now on his way back to the UK where he will begin his search for a new hobby.

He has set up a team to research ways in which he can continue to kill people legally or secretly.

A source said: “He loves the idea of taking his Apache for a spin over the centre of Bristol, but someone would probably notice that.

“I suspect he will spend the next 12 months accidentally shooting hunt sabs and forcing cyclists into ravines.”


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Internet reduced to 97 pages

THE internet is to be cut from 640 million websites to 97 multi-purpose pages.

To make cyberspace more manageable by governments, the current sprawl of Gangnam Style and modified vaginas will be deleted in favour of a functional net that can be read by a policeman in less than four hours.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “There will be one blog, edited by a committee of idiots and read by no-one. Meanwhile, all the shops have been replaced with Amazon, which simply saves five years of market forces.

“Rather than several billion Tweets there will just be one saying Justin Bieber is a eunuch and another one from Caitlin Moran to Chris Addison about meeting Giles Coren for a drink. We haven’t bothered replacing Facebook. Obviously.”

Just seven of the edited pages will feature pornography after research found that the seemingly-infinite spectrum of sexuality actually involves doing eight things to five holes.

Any further additions to the internet will be agreed by international agencies on a one-in, one-out system, with any future boybands replacing the current page showing One Direction forming a human pyramid.

The current internet will be switched off on 31 January and Brubaker has advised people to take down their recipes, holiday photos and opinions and keep them in a shoebox at home where they have always belonged.

He added: “Any further questions will be answered on the internet’s sole news page, which is going to be the Daily Mail because that’s the one you fuckers chose.”