AFGHAN civilians are facing a three month wait to be blown to smithereens, it has emerged.
With 2,600 military posts facing the axe and the RAF committed to a prolonged engagement in Libya, the ministry of defence is now asking the Afghan population if they can give themselves horrific injuries at home.
And in a bid to cut costs anyone unsure how to flatten their house with high explosive will be advised to call RAF24.
Meanwhile senior officers have also warned privately that the cutbacks could even lead to some primary schools not being mistaken for Al Qaeda training camps.
But defence secretary Liam Fox said: “This is about streamlining service delivery by giving local platoon commanders the power to commission bombings from a range of sources, including the private sector.
“We will also incentivise them with a bonus structure that encourages as many fast and relatively painless deaths as possible.
“This is all about getting people through the system and out the other side in a large plastic bag.”
But Kandahar goat salesman, Omar Halabji, said: “I was told I would get a bomb last year after MI6 said our one-room shack was Osama Bin Laden’s hot tub. I’m still waiting.
“The goat market is really fragile at the moment and I just can’t afford to go private.”
He added: “You can say what you like about communism but at least the Soviets guaranteed free bombs for everyone at the point of delivery.”
Meanwhile naval cuts will also hit closer to home, with landlords in Portsmouth facing the prospect of having to periodically shower their own pubs with broken glass and urine.
Mr Fox added: “Through the restructuring and streamlining of our military, these cuts should not stop anyone in Britain having access to a violent, tattooed maniac with a thousand yard stare.”