Film stupider than audience

ACTION-fantasy tripe bucket Sucker Punch has made idiots feel cleverer than something.

The film, directed by Zach Snyder and starring tight young women, is based on a 12-year-old boy’s drawing of a woman with massive breasts fighting a samurai robot.

Julian Cook, professor of cinema at Reading University, said it was a breakthrough for studios who have spent years trying to give morons the exhilarating feeling that they have been underestimated.

He added: “Your average moviegoer really just wants to feel disdainful of something. It’s that thrill of superiority that people who struggle to operate belt buckles rarely enjoy.

“But it’s a big ask to make someone feel clever when they’ve just paid £12 for a tray of lukewarm crisps draped in a luminous cheese-equivalent.

Flubber nearly succeeded, likewise Meet The Spartans and any live action film about cavemen. But with Sucker Punch, they have finally hit paydirt. It’s like a film and a computer game at the same time, but not in a good way.

“Meanwhile the women look like they’ve been dressed by Victorian paedophiles, giving the cretins that extra ‘moral high ground’ buzz.”

Following the success of Sucker Punch, Snyder has now been given the greenlight for his Robocop re-imagining Fartcop With Boobs.

Father-of-one Tom Logan said: “I am a moron. Sometimes I won’t get in the bath because I see my own reflection in the water and assume there’s already someone in there.

“And, also, I felt that some of the fart jokes in Big Momma’s House were too complicated.

“But watching Sucker Punch made me feel like Stephen Fry having to make small talk with builders.

“I feel as tall as a cloud. Clouds are tall, right?”


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Footballers uncouth

SOME footballers are loutish individuals who swear in mixed company, it has emerged.

Examination of the television footage of recent matches has shown some of the leading players using words like ‘poo’, ‘knob’, ‘heck’ and ‘panties’.

Roy Hobbs, a subscriber to a front row seat at The West Ham, said: “I had recently witnessed a young fellow called Rooney – of the Lancashire Rooneys, I believe – complete a trio of goalifications against our young gentlemen.

“I happened to comment, as he celebrated in front of me, that it was an excellent performance for a man of his frame.

“He immediately told me to go to heck or he would poo in my panties. I fainted dead away.”

Martin Bishop, a supporter of The Liverpool, added: “I recently watched my team play The Chelsea. It had been a lovely match until young Mr Lampard missed a opportunity to score and then shook his fist and said ‘knob’.

“I’ve never seen so many people drop their ice creams.”

He added: “I blame the schools. I remember the days when Asa Hartford would go in hard on Trevor Francis and Trevor might say, ‘excuse me Asa, that was jolly sore’ or ‘crikey, you’ve had your porridge’.”

Footballologoist, Wayne Hayes, said: “It is indeed a shame that the sort of fine, decent Britons who like nothing better than to sit in a public house watching Sky Sports shortly after midday with their numerous children weaving between the alcohol-covered tables like shaven-headed sharks, have to have their ears assailed by such filth.

“I too blame the schools. Panties indeed.”