America to invade Texas

President Biden has declared war on Texas, vowing to remove its regime of medieval tyranny.

The move followed the state’s passing of abortion laws which Biden called ‘extreme’. Other leading Democrats described them as ‘absolutely batshit f**king mental’.

Biden said: “A line has been drawn in the sand, the sands of the Rio Grande valley. Our mission is to establish a new American order, spreading democracy into every state of our great nation, even the mad religious ones.”

In a radio speech, Governor of Texas Greg Abbott said: “By the will of God who is great and merciful, we shall smite these liberal unbelievers if they set one foot on our hallowed soil.

“What do you mean, I sound exactly like one of those Islamic fundamentalists that I profess to dislike so much? I’m right, because God said so. And he is definitely real.”

Political commentator Norman Steele said, “Invading a state within your own country is a radical step. When Biden said he wanted to bring the American troops back home, none of us thought this was what he had in mind.

“However, this is Texas we’re talking about, and they’re being twats, so f**k ‘em.”

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You don't: how to make new friends in your thirties

IN your thirties? Want to forge deep and meaningful connections with new people? Here’s how that won’t happen.

Go to a party

Social gatherings are a tried and tested way of making new friends, but once you’re in your thirties people only go to them out of obligation. They’re too tired to engage with your small talk, and they haven’t got enough room in their lives for a new person anyway, so you’re better off staying at home and talking to your plants.

Join an internet forum

Thanks to the internet, lonely people can gravitate towards each other in depressing Reddit forums. But rather than using the information superhighway to build digital friendships, they’ll mainly argue about which Sonic the Hedgehog game is the best. If you wade into the comments with your opinion, expect to make some mortal enemies instead of new mates.

Hit the town

If you go out on the town you’re bound to run into people and strike up a friendship. Either that or you’ll get in a fight with someone because they’re worried you’re trying to chat up their missus. This is understandable because you’re lurking around in pubs and nightclubs on your own. You look pretty weird.

Ask on social media

It’s a bit pathetic, but you could post a status about how you’re feeling lonely and you need some new buddies. This will offend your existing friends because it gives the impression that they aren’t good enough for you, then they’ll unfollow you and you’ll have even less pals than you started with. Bummer.

You don’t

Accept the fact that once you’re in your thirties you don’t develop any new friendships. No, your colleagues and the man who works in the corner shop don’t count. Try getting married instead, as then someone will be legally and financially bound to you for at least a couple of years.